Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Mascot Madness

In the annals of sports, there are few things more maddening than the manufactured controversy over team mascots, with the NCAA going the extra mile of denying post season playoff berths to schools who utilize mascots that are deemed inappropriate, insulting, or denigrating to a special interest group. The most obvious example here would be the use of Indian mascots, as reported by the good folks at American Legends, the post for which you can find linked to in the title of this post.

Actually, if this post is widely read enough, I will probably be sentenced to death in
some quarters for refusing to refer to them as “Native American”, which I used to do, but no longer. I’m spiteful that way.

In fact, I want to take the time here to extend kudos to the Seminole tribe of Florida, who in fact has supported the use of their name and image by the Florida State Seminoles, an act that probably has the NCAA officials secretly all but tearing their hair out, and considering presenting the tribe a gift of smallpox infested blankets addressed from the Florida State Alumni Association.

I contend that most Indians, in fact, could care less about this issue, and what ones do care are probably in favor of it, much like most Irish Americans look with self-deprecating humor on the image of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish mascot. The minority that are opposed I put down to the level of-well, renegades on the warpath.

Of course, when it comes to the NCAA and others who suffer from the infestation of political correctness, it would appear they are in denial of their own bigotry. To their way of thinking, only white people are of a superior enough intellect and emotional maturity to be able to appreciate one of their cultural images being utilized in such a humorous fashion. Indians, blacks, etc., are doubtless genetically inferior, so it is wrong to “make fun” of them. After all, they obviously, as members of a lesser race, have not evolved enough to appreciate this subtlety, therefore we should go out of our way to shelter them. After all, this should make us feel better, by showing these poor unfortunate inferior people that we really care about their feelings.

Well, I disagree with this assessment, and I believe that all cultures and races should be integrated into the great American melting pot, and what better way to do this than by mercilessly making sport of them and their cultures, the way the gods intended. I propose that school names and mascots are the best way to begin this great new American experiment.

Let’s start with the mentally retarded. Let’s face it, nothing is funnier than a retardo trying to act smart, or clever, or gods help us, sexy. Admit it, haven’t you ever laughed at least once at a retarded person? You just can’t help it at one time or another, let’s face it, they were meant to be laughed at, otherwise, well, you wouldn’t have laughed at that little mongoloid chick in school that was constantly sticking her finger up her butt and smelling it when she thought nobody was looking. Or the boy that just couldn’t keep his eyes off the best looking girl in school, and couldn’t help breathing like a maniac if she got so close to him. If you were that girl, and you were a little on the cruel side, you might have flirted with him just enough to get him to admit with a glaze over his eyes, “I wuv oo”.

About the only thing that isn’t funny about them is, well, when they try to be funny. Then you finally see them for what they are-stupid. Then you feel sorry for them. But is that any better? Hell no. Let’s bring them fully integrated into America. They are off to a good start with the Special Olympics, but let’s really honor them by naming a bona fide real sports team after them. For example-



Once that goes over like a lead balloon, and it’s obvious that most people just aren’t comfortable with making fun of the “mentally challenged” (realspeak translation-idiots), then we have to persevere by bringing in other minorities. Here is where the negro can make a contribution. Oh, excuse me, I forgot, it’s not negroes anymore, it’s Afro Americans. No, shit, that’s wrong too, it’s blacks. Wait a minute, man, I’m still way back in the past, it’s “people of color”. Oh wait,though, I forgot, that was decided to be too broad to apply to people of African heritage, so let’s make sure we call them “African Americans”. Well, for the rest of this decade, at least.

To hell with it, I have the perfect team name and mascot for our Negro/Afro-American/Black/People of Color/African American/Whatever’s Next You Damn Well Better Learn To Say It Quick brothers and sisters.



All during the game, his cheerleading squad will be charged with shouting out incendiary racial rhetoric. After losing a game, they will lead the crowd in looting and burning down the stadium and vandalizing all the cars in the parking lot. After winning a game, they will lead the crowd in looting and burning down the stadium and vandalizing all the cars in the parking lot.

Now, of course, some people might think we should make some exceptions, for example, when it comes to Arab/Muslim Americans. After all, these folks feel overly maligned due to association with Islamic terrorists. It just wouldn’t be right to add to their degradation by appropriating their cultural images in a humorous way for a sports team and mascot, would it?

Perhaps you will not be shocked to learn that I disagree with this opinion, and in fact the opposite might well be the case. In fact, what better way to relieve the stress and tension due to this serious issue than be dedicating a university or perhaps a professional sports team specifically to this misunderstood and yet intriqing culture. In fact, since there are so many Arabs and Muslims in the great state of Michigan, might I suggest-



Now, there will be a problem here with his cheerleading squad. Of course, they will be required to dress in such a manner so that no parts of their bodies will be shown, so they can’t take the chance of jumping up and down and risk showing an ankle or calve, so they will have to be relegated to waving posters and placards that say cool things like “Death To The Infidel Team” while Muhammed Behedr runs up to the oppossing teams' cheerleaders and throws acid in their faces.

Since they can’t be seen, it would be necessary for them to mingle with the crowd during halftime in a friendly way, while passing out team pictures in envelopes that also contain powdered anthrax.

The teams lawyers might also want to consider filing a lawsuit to lift the restrictions on airspace flights over the stadium during game time. At least during away games.

Another issue that is a great cause for concern is the problem of illegal immigration, particularly that of migrant workers from Mexico. These fine folks go out of their way to “do jobs Americans won’t do”, and are so concerned about the quality of work available to American farmers and businesses, they go out of their way to insure that inferior workers from Nicaraqua and Honduras are blocked at their own country’s southern border from entering the US. I think we owe them a debt of thanks, and what better way to repay them than by honoring them with a sports team and mascot of their own. Nor does it have to be limited to a team from the American Southwest. Not any more. Now, they are all over the country, even the east and midwest. In recognition of their “contribution”, therefore, I suggest-



The whole team can be driven out into the field in the back of eighteen wheelers hidden under ears of loose corn and lettuce. This will probably be one of the poorest teams, of course, to all appearances, but they can make all kinds of extra money under the table by selling good quality Mexican blow and smack to the crowd. They won’t have to worry about the border agents arresting them. Even if they try to do that, all they have to do is shoot them. Who would complain about a thing like that? The government? Hah!

Of course, not all teams have to have an ethnic or racial orientation. Some might even have a religious orientation, as well as an ethnic one. To this end, what better team for white Christian folks to rally behind than-



Can’t you just see him now taking the field and leading cheers with a crack of the whip?

Of course, he will lead the team in a rousing prayer before every game, shout out the Ten Commandments all throughout the game, and after every home game, he will lead them in burning a cross. After every victory that is, after every defeat they lynch an opponent of the visiting team. Just one though, then they tell the rest to go back where they came from.

Or, a team can have a solidly religious structure. After all, all Christians aren’t white, nor are they all protestant. They are, however, vital members of American society. As such, I am sure that catholics, for example, would appreciate a team such as-



Of course, this particular team will also require a special kind of cheerleading squad to accompany the good priest as he goes about his business of blessing the game, the crowd, the players, etc. A good solid squad of about fifty pre-teen children, one girl for every ten boys, should do the trick nicely. Half the team can masturbate during halftime while they perform, while the other half of the team looks the other way. It will be Father Phil’s job as team mascot to make sure all is forgiven.

Of course, it has been often stated that not all victims of sex crimes are legitimate, some are even making false accusations. Is this possible? Would a teenager lie about being molested, why what ever for? Surely their mothers or fathers wouldn’t put them up to that. In the case of runaways, is it true, as I have recently heard, that EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM are unwilling victims of the sex slave industry? Especially the girls, I have heard, who just want a Prince Charming in a romantic fantasy kind of way. None of these girls actually ENJOY sex. How disgusting to even consider such a thing as that! Why, it’s impossible for a teenage girl to enjoy sex with a teenage boy, let alone a grown man, isn’t it?.

For that matter, would a grown woman lie about being raped? Why, you would have to think there are vengeful women on this earth to believe something like that. What other reason would they have to make up something so horrid, surely not MONEY?

This is where education can play a large role in teaching people the truth and bridging the sexual divide that causes these misunderstandings, and what better educational tool than in the realm of sports? Therefore, in order to show how ridiculous these beliefs are, I propose-



She should be a real Amazon, of questionable sexual orientation, while her squad of cheerleaders should be women of all races, ages, and looks, ranging from drop-dead-gorgeous-and-knows-it, to god-awful-fucking-ugly, to downright trashy. When a ruling on the field goes against them, they all scream RAPE with a flashy, ear to ear grin of dubious sincerity, alternating with cries of mock anger and disgust if the offending rule stands. No matter the ruling, they threaten a lawsuit. No matter how the game ends, they are always ready, willing, and eager for the next one.

Finally, although I could name many more such examples, I would be remiss if I didn’t end this post with a recommendation to our leaders in Washington to set an example. They are always wanting a sports team, and amazingly, they have already led the way with The Washington Redskins, a team which has always come under much criticism due to the derogatory nature of this supposedly racist name. Yet, the Redskins play on, while the DC crowd prattles on, with the encouragement of the many special interest groups that demand special rights,considerations, and even privileges.

In honor of them all, what better team to grace the landscape of our nations capital than-


Of course, there would be many worthy candidates to hold the position of this particular mascot. Who knows what the future might hold?

Monday, February 19, 2007

Fuck The Troops

Danielle, a frequent reader and commenter, recently made the point that the inordinate and continuing press coverage of the recent antics of Britney Spears is "sad". Her words, not mine. Well, ok, it's sad for those whose blogs aren't listed on Technorati, maybe, but to those of us who are, Britney Spears is the gift that never stops giving.

I see Danielle's point, though,in that the on-going nonsensical press coverage of the lives of celebrities like Britney and others of her ilk seems at best an escapist distraction from the on-going vital issues of the day. Paramount among these would of course be the continuing war in Iraq and the "war on terror".

This has got me to thinking, why not bridge the gap, cross the divide that exists between entertainment fluff news and those really important issues that do truly affect our lives? Britney can certainly play an important role here.

Back in the days of the Roman Empire, a legion of soldiers might be in the field for years at a time, maybe for as long as a decade. During the time of their stationing in such faraway places as Britain, Gaul, Palestine, Syria, Egypt, Spain, etc., it would not be uncommon for prostitutes to set up camp in the proximity of the soldiers. This was a common practice, really, much as was prostitution itself in the city of Rome. It went unremarked, unquestioned.

Of course, during the times of combat, during rebellions and long drawn out sieges, some of which lasted for one or two years or more, this usually resulted in a scarcity of sexual outlets. In the aftermath of the usual long term success of the war effort, it was the citizens of the besieged lands and cities that paid the ultimate price. Women and girls were immediately raped, a great many of the men and boys were killed (or raped), and a great lot of the population ended up as part of a victory procession known as a "triumph" conducted by the victorious generals through the streets of Rome (though this practice was later limited only to Roman emperors to discourage rebellion by disloyal and overly ambitious generals). They were generally then relegated to the status of hostage, or "guest", in the case of uper class families, and outright slaves in the case of lower classes.

In the meantime, the soldiers were also rewarded by being allowed to confiscate any amount of property they could take in the aftermath of a successful conquest,and so pilaging and looting of a subject peoples were also widespread.

Ah, those were the days. And they weren't really all that far in the past as in the case of ancient Rome. The highly cultured and civilized Japanese Empire of the last century also engaged in the practice of enforced prostitution of subject women prior to and during the days of World War II.

So there you have it, my idea as to how Britney can actually make a contribution to the war effort in such a way as to insure continued media coverage, in a positive way that would draw attention to the needs of our troops.

Fuck them, Britney. With your latest hairstyle, you'll fit right in. While you are at it, encourage some of your friends to join in the fun. Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan, hell, even Angelina Jolie might not be remiss at the notion of relieving the stress our troops feel, especialy since the Republicans in Congress seem determined not to even allow them a year off of their active duty in Iraq during their terms of service, evidently no matter how long that takes.

After all, there could eventually be an explosion, due to need for an outlet, that could result in the eventual rape of thousands of Iraqi girls and women. Do you really want that on your consciences?

And you only have to do it once a year. Just all of you go to the Green Zone outside Baghdad, lay down side by side, and spread those legs. All of you together can service our troops, I know you can. And just think what it would do for morale. No longer would your patriotism be called into question, or your value as contributors to the American way of life.

Besides, you know you really want to. Deep down inside.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Britney-Come Back To A Future

It’s a safe bet Britney Spears hasn’t joined up with the Hare Krishnas, and she’s almost as unlikely to have become the latest edition to the Manson family. Nor do I believe that she was particularly inspired by this web-site, or the picture presented thereon as shown above.

So why then did she shave her head? Maybe this is just another example of her on-going train wreck of a life. Is it possible that she is starting to fall under, succumb to the pressures of her life as a media celebrity, pop star, and as an expert in the field of semi-conductor physics?

She had reportedly took a jet, traveling coach no less, from Miami to Los Angeles, where she went to her home for a total of two hours, before then embarking to a beauty parlor where she performed the deed her own self. Look at the pictures for your self on this fan site. Does she look like she is in a state of emotional turmoil, of mental duress?

Yet, she then proceeds to a tattoo parlor where she is heard to mutter that she is tired of people touching her, after which she has to be escorted out in the midst of a horde of concerned and curious fans.

Her demeanor in the photos, and the timing of this incident, all but screams to me pretty much the same thing as every other thing involving this woman. It’s a fucking publicity stunt, and what is really sad about it, is it was born of not just starvation for attention and publicity to the point of desperation, but it was fueled more than anything by jealousy over the inordinate amount of media attention focused on the recent death of Anna Nicole Smith and the resultant controversies.

It’s pretty fucking sad to be jealous of a creature as pitiable, in a sense, as Anna Nicole Smith, but jealousy of a dead Anna Nicole Smith is not just an extra step, but one giant leap toward the abyss.

My advice to Spears is as follows. It’s not too late. You had the guts to intimate that you didn’t give a shit when numerous parents walked out of your latest concert tour with their children, in a huff due to the explicitly sexual content of your show. And anybody that is an unapologetic tobacco smoker, and can get an old fogey Republican politician like Bob Dole to admit he wants to fuck you-in so many words-in a national television commercial for Pepsi, can’t be all bad.

But pull it together, woman, fuck, you’ve proven you’ve outgrown the Mouseketeers, enough already. Go to rehab at Clapton’s center, and commit to it, then go back to making music, only good music this time. Real music. With real musicians that play real musical instruments, doing real songs, with you actually doing real singing. If Clapton’s rehab facility can help you with your addictions, certainly the man would not be adverse to helping you with your career. He would probably feel he owes it to the world of music to salvage that aspect of your life as well.

Face the facts, the kind of music you are typically known for has a limited appeal in the grand scheme of artistic cycles. Sex appeal can only make up for so much. Your declining record sales should tell you all you need to know. In this case, a future geared toward success will require moving forward, not back.

Work on it. No orchestration, no walls of sound, no drum machines. Put on an intimate performance with your audiences when you go on tour, pour your heart out to them in song, leave the dancing where it belongs, on the fucking videos, and make that a secondary priority if you must do it at all.

Then, go to the Actors Studio and concentrate on really learning the craft of acting-or, stay out of the business.

Finally, fuck Bob Dole. Now, if you want some publicity, that will really do the trick.

First and foremost though, grow your fucking hair back, if not on your head, then at least grow some on your pussy.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Dixie Chicks-The Peeps Of Country Music

The Grammy Awards have always been the biggest joke in all the awards business. They almost never get it right, and in my opinion their awards are based on sentimentality and politics, or both, not actual merit. Plus, as evidenced by the past win of Jethro Tull for the “Best Metal Band” award some years back, the judges are obviously unlearned in the kinds of music they are charged with presenting awards for.

Another case in point was the past award for “Album Of The year” for John Lennon and Yoko Ono’s album “Double Fantasy”. Now admittedly, as a Lennon fan, I don’t have so much of a problem with this award, I feel it actually has some merit, but at the same time I wonder, had Lennon not been killed that fateful December day in 1980, if this album would have even received a nomination, let alone won the award.

A more appropriate Best Album nomination for Lennon may have been his first, the self-titled “John Lennon” which contained such awe inspiring tracks as “Give Me Some Peace”, “Working Class Hero”, “Love”, etc. Yet, unless I’m mistaken, this album was not nominated, and it certainly didn’t win if it was.

All of this goes to my point that the Grammy Awards are much more about making statements than about actual reward for musical excellence. If this last criterion were the main one, then where the hell was Ozzy Osbourne's nomination for “Blizzard Of Oz”? I may have to dig a little to make sure, but I am fairly certain the Beatles were likewise never nominated, not even for Sergeant Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band. Ergo with Ledd Zeppellin II, III, or IV. How’s about Metallica, at their height? And I am barely scratching the surface here.

The Rolling Stones? The Doors? I’m talking here now at the height of their careers, when it would have really mattered, not when the awards were taken over by aging hippies, who replaced the similarly myopic presenters of past generations.

To be sure, I have no problem with the Dixie Chicks receiving some kind of recognition, in fact, they deserved it. They were very unfairly maligned, in my opinion, by the trash that passes for thoughtful dialoque and opinion on the majority of the so-called right wing talk radio programs. They expressed their opinion, and I will say here, I don’t particularly agree with the way Natalie Mains said what she said or where she said it, but she said it.

If her detractors wanted to criticize her for it, fine. If people wanted to express their own opinions by not patronizing them any longer, then that is fine as well. But the way the animosity against them was purposely ratcheted up by the talk radio people and by certain country music stations had nothing to do with simple protest, and everything to do about pounding the drum beat as a means of attracting more listeners, and perhaps more ominously, by demonstrating what could happen to those who deviate from the party line and oppose and criticize the plans of the preferred people in power.

It was totally unjustified and uncalled for. Yet, the Dixie Chicks stuck to their guns, for the most part, and actually had the temerity to fight back, refusing to be cowed, though I think they might have initially offered an apology to those they might have unintentionally offended. I’m not sure of that, but if they did do this, that was certainly appropriate.

To this end, yes, they deserved a degree of recognition and appreciation in some form from the presenters of the Grammys.

But, Country Music Album Of The Year? Song of The Year? Five different awards all together? Isn’t this something a little along the lines of overkill? I called them the Peeps of Country Music for a reason. They might be fun and filling, but too much of them can leave you feeling bloated and might even make you sick. You wouldn’t put them on the same level as cordial cherries, a high quality box of mixed chocolates, or even a bag of jelly beans or a Milky Way bar.

I doubt that most of the Grammy presenters are into country music. They probably sit and listen to a relative handful of standards from the top names. Loretta Lynne, Patsy Cline, Merle Haggard, Johnny Cash, Buck Owens, etc. Then, they pick a handful of current artists according to sells or reputation, listen to a few songs by each one, and ask, ok, which one of these is most like the old guard, only maybe a little more modern?

In the case of the Chicks, they were presented with an easier task, their music only had to be of a high enough quality to justify rewarding their political activism and courage. Fine, but that’s not the way to present an award, in my opinion.

Monday, February 12, 2007

RIP Anna Nicole Smith

Thanks for the pictures goes to Bellescan.nu

After Anna Nicole Smith was named Playboy Playmate of the year in 1992, she became a larger than life titaness of society, and remained so for quite some time. Then, she discovered Trim-Spa. In the roughly fifteen years of her professional life in the meantime, there was little of accomplishment to note. She tried her hand at acting, but for the most part, her major claim to fame was her gold-digging marriage to Texas oil billionnaire J. Howard Marshall, the wheelchair bound octogenarian she married in 1994, who died a year later, and who after twelve years of death probably doesn’t look much worse than he did while they were married.

Anna Nicole, who modelled herself or tried to after her idol, Marilyn Monroe, wanted a wealthy husband. Marshall wanted to purchase a beautiful trophy wife.

Their marriage was one of fate, and Marshall for once in his life got the short end of the stick. The rest became herstory.

Then came the dispute over her inheritance, which dragged on for years, and is still dragging along, through one court after another, until it ended up in the Supreme Court with the Bush Administration involving itself on the side of Anna Nichole. Although I foresaw evil tidings here, it might not actually have been anything more sinister than the influence of Pickles Bush wanting to involve Anna Nichole in some kind of adult literacy project or childrens library endowment. Who knows, maybe Anna Nicole was slated to go on tour as the author of a coffee table type book of children's stories complete with word illustrations of honey bees and bunnies. We’ll never know now.

Although it escaped public notice to a large degree, Howard Marshall’s son and main heir died unexpectedly about a year ago. Then, five months before Anna Nicole died, after giving birth to a baby girl of uncertain parentage, her son from her first marriage, (to a man with whom she had worked in her late teens at a local fast food restaurant), unexpectedly dropped dead while sitting in a lounge chair right in her hospital room.

Now Anna Nicole Smith has died and there are at least three potential claimants to the billions of dollars-err, I mean, to the daughter of Anna Nicole Smith. One of these claimants is a Hungarian Prince and the husband of Zsa Zsa Gabor (like Anna Nicole, another famous person whose main claim to fame is that she is a famous person). According to him, there are possibly thirty different men who could possibly be the father of little Danielle.

The major claimant is her lawyer since 1994, a Berkeley graduate named Howard K. Stern, who was a frequent regular on Anna Nicole's reality tv show that for a time was the top rated show on the E network. Then, there is a cameraman who looks to be about ten years at least the junior of Anna Nicole, and who claims to have loved her passionately, according to his lawyer, the former attorney for Mary Kay Laternieu.

Anna Nicole's sister has swore that Howard K. Stern will not, so long as she has anything to do with it, raise Anna Nicole's baby. No word as of yet as to whether she is working in conjunction with, or in opposiiton to, her and Anna Nicole’s mother, who claims that she should raise the child, though she seems to have been strangely in the background throughout the entirety of Anna Nicole’s public life.

The baby itself seems to have been moved from it’s home in the Bahamas, where it had been staying at the home of an official, whose house just a few nights ago was broken into. The child is now said to be living in Florida, though no one really knows for sure.

Anna Nicole Smith was like a Texas tornado, she blew into the public scene, and probably quite a few other places, and after her brief stint with Playboy, was catapulted into a degree of public fame for which she was not temperamentally or intellectually well suited. In the long run it cost her her life. She was quite bluntly, way out of her depth, a very big and tall guppy in an enclosed marina of sharks, and one old octopus.

I can’t pretend that I particularly liked her, but at the same time I can’t help but feel a little bit sorry for her, as well as for her late son, Daniel, who was also taken up on the path that lead to his own early demise. And finally, for little Danielle.

Why, oh why, do I foresee a SIDS death in somebody’s future?

Butt, whatever the future might hold, for now, this is-


Cervical Cancer-God's Gift To Good Little Christian Girls

I used to think Rick Perry, the governor of Texas, was just another political shill for the right. And, frankly, I still tend to think that, but sometimes even a shill can do the right thing. Nixon went to China, increased welfare funding beyond subsistence levels, started the EPA, and covered up the Watergate break-in. That’s three good things out of four. Of course, those three things all eventually came back to bite us worse than Watergate ever could have, but that’s beside the point, which is, his heart was in the right place and he meant well, and somebody else later on down the line was really responsible for all the fuck ups that developed from these policies, initiatives, and programs.

In Perry’s case, it’s hard to imagine how his latest executive order mandating immunization of school aged girls against the Pappoloma virus could possibly have any negative consequences, and it’s hard to imagine anyone finding fault with such a directive.

Well, if you think so you don’t know your Bible. Evidently, the good Christian folk of Texas to a large degree seem to object to what they consider an intrusion on their parental prerogatives. Damn that Rick Perry, how dare he demand they go along with this program, which might well cause their darling children to engage in sex because they feel they would not have anything to worry about once they are immunized. If they are not, more than likely the idea of having sex would never cross their mind, and if it does, and they do it, God should be allowed to punish them with cervical cancer if he deems that appropriate.

Perry had some degree of foresight in that he specified that parents of religious families could opt out of the immunization program for religious or moral reasons.

I wish somebody could diplomatically point out to the Bible thumpers that their rights to not immunize their children ends where the rights of the rest of us to protect our children from being infected by their children begins. But of course that would not be accurate, after all, our children will be protected, so their good Christian children can screw our wicked screwed up heathen children with abandon, our kids won’t get it, but their’s might. Then they can accuse all the children of sinful Americans of trying to destroy the Christian population with STD’s using our children as the delivery method.

After all, everybody knows that pagan, atheist, and children of fallen or lapsed Christians-or liberal ones-are the ones that are more inclined to get out and screw around, children of good Christian, Bible believing and God-fearing families just don’t do that sort of thing. If they do, then it is because the devil has temporarily lead them astray, using evil false Christians and two faced politicians like Rick Perry.

None of this really jives with my memories of Sunday School or Vacation Bible School, but what the hell do I know, my dad used to buy me condoms. I can remember a few good Christian girls I fucked back in those days, and quite a few others besides. One used to go up to the front of the aisle every Sunday crying her fucking eyes out. I must have missed something, I'd always heard once would pretty much do the trick.

Another one had a big crush on me, it seemed, but she was from a “good” family, and none of my family members were one of the “pillars of the community”. So you see, they could be forgiven for their temporary lapses, after all they were only human, and they had their needs, so I could be used and discarded, after all, I was a no-account non-Christian.

Because I was a boy, I had somehow taken advantage of them and their naivete. Had I been a girl and them guys, then, oh well, boys will be boys, you know, and those kinds of girls are no good anyway, all they want to do is screw any guy they can spread their legs for.

I don’t think anybody ever figured out why I was never “saved”.

Friday, February 09, 2007

God Visits Divine Wrath Upon Evil Kentucky Toddlers

Fred Phelps and his Westboro Baptist Church have reportedly changed their minds about protesting at the funeral of ten people who died in a house fire in Bardstown Kentucky earlier in the week. Instead of protesting the funeral, they have reportedly decided to deliver a one hour to hour and a half radio address, although it is unclear as of yet as to what radio station they will appear on.

Their reasons for wanting to conduct this protest of the funerals of ten private citizens of Kentucky-it is God’s sign of his wrath against the evil of America. The ten victims of the fire, they claim, are now in hell, did not know God, and are therefore undeserving of his mercy, protection, or of heaven.

Of the ten people who died in one of the worse house fires in Kentucky history, the majority of them were children, either teenagers or younger. One was an eleven year old child. Another victim was merely a year old. A young boy named Johnny Litsey was all of two years old. Two twin girls also died in the fire. As of now, the cause of the fire has yet to be determined.

However, though it cannot technically be ruled out, there have been no reported sightings, so far, of fire from heaven.

God has had a busy week. He also managed to put an end to the vile evil doings of four children, ages 7 to 14, in a house fire in Maryville, Tennessee.

Praise The Lord.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

24-Jack Bauer's Deadliest Enemy Yet Might Well Destroy Him

The current season of 24 has revealed the treachery of Jacks family, and the on-going menace of a radical Islamist threat to set off suitcase nukes in various cities of the US. One in fact, has already gone off some twenty plus miles outside the city of Los Angeles. In the meantime, President Palmer's cabinet is to a large degree pressuring him into suspending habeas corpus and other civil liberties guaranteed under the constitution in order to deal with this emergency situation, yet Palmer is adverse to doing so.

He has been advised that the founding fathers could not have envisioned a threat of this magnitude, the greatest threat to their national security were muskets, long rifles which took as long to load, aim, and fire one ball from as it took the last prematurely exploding nuke to destroy at least twelve thousand American citizens.

Palmer is unmoved by this argument. He will not suspend the constitution, apparently not even as an emergency temporary measure, and furthermore, he fears that were he to be perceived as coming down heavy on the American Muslim community, he would turn that community against the country, when they should be “our greatest asset”.

24 usually can be divided into two major segments of the season. The immediate plot line evolves about half way through the season, at times further, to the point where an even greater threat is revealed, and the true mastermind emerges.

For example, the first season turned out to be a vengeful plot by an old enemy of Jack and the first President Palmer (then just a candidate for President targeted for assassination). Season Three started out as an operation to infiltrate a gang of Mexican drug smugglers, who had acquired a biological weapon, and evolved from there eventually into yet another worldwide plot for revenge against the western democracies by a former agent who had been betrayed and left to die. Last season began as your typical terrorist plot by Chechen rebels, but this was eventually revealed to have all been masterminded by the President of the United States himself, working in concert with a shadowy group of misguided American patriots headed by a man who in this current season turns out to have been Jacks own brother, Graham Bauer.

Jacks father is a snake as well, and in the last episode murdered Graham in order to protect his own ass and their company from complicity in the current Islamist plot. Turns out the nukes were stolen after Graham, through his company, inadvisably outsourced their transport into the country from Russia, ostensibly in order for them to be better safeguarded. He then tried to cover this up, even after the devastation that occurred when the first of the nukes was prematurely exploded in a warehouse to prevent it’s confiscation by a CTU strike force.

Jack knows about Grahams involvement in all this, of course-he tortured it out of him, as well as an inadverdant confession as to Grahams involvement in last seasons plot. Jack of course is totally unaware of the true extent of his own fathers involvement. But this will be revealed in time. And then, sometime after episode twelve, the real villain will emerge from out of the shadows.

Actually, the true villain has already made his presence known, he is just not that obvious to all but the most aware. But those of us who are familiar with him can almost smell the stench of this dastardly villain emanating from the television screen.

In fact, this villain is so obvious, and so blatant, that his effect might well be described as tantamount to a CTU strike force bursting through all the doors and windows of a building while jacked up on a cocktail of steroids, acid, and downers.

You almost want to scream out at the television, “JACK, PLEASE WAKE UP, BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!!!”

And though we are still relatively in the beginning stages of the series, and while there yet might be time, you start to come to the realization that this season might contain the most shocking chain of events in the entirety of the series history.

This series could well see the death of Jack Bauer, and the total destruction of CTU. As for how the true villain of this season will accomplish this goal, the true question to be asked is, how could he not succeed? He has infiltrated the highest echelons of the Presidency. He lurks behind every corridor of CTU itself. He has an invisible, iron grip on the heart, mind and soul of Jack Bauer himself, insidiously manipulating him like little more than a puppet on a string.

He has gotten poor Jack to the point where he has been having doubts about the validity of his methods of interrogation, and doubtless once he has discerned that his actions might have lead to the death of brother Graham, he might feel all the more conflicted. Hell, he might well decide to eschew torture all together, for the sake of his own peace of mind. Will he possibly be as effective as in the past? Without any doubt, he almost certainly will be. Yet, will that in the long run be enough?

Almost the entirety of the shows major characters and a good many of the more minor ones has been deviously influenced in some small degree or another by this master manipulator. The worse thing is, this monster might well have manipulated himself into actually believing that he is doing the right thing.

The most successful con artists have a tendency to fall for their own cons. The most beautiful yet airheaded woman imaginable can delude herself into thinking that all eighteen of the guys that have screwed her over the last six moths really do love her for her true worth as a person.

So it is with the most insanely evil villains. Even Hitler doubtless fooled himself into thinking that he was chosen by destiny to fulfill the role of that historical epoch in a way that the world would be left a far better place once he succeeded in accomplishing his goals, which he had no doubt whatsoever he would accomplish.

And so it is with the true villain of this seasons 24. And who is this villain? Well, I don’t know what his name is, yet, but I know the weapon of his delusion, it can be identified simply as-

Political Correctness.

Unfortunately for the shadowy group that has insinuated itself into what is usually one of the better dramatic action series on television, the American television viewing public has a good deal more discernment than the characters on the fictional drama.

The American people want to be entertained, not preached at, regardless of their feelings one way or another, either pro or con, as to either the “liberal” or the “conservative” aspects of the politicized “war on terror”.

But because the writers and producers of 24 have felt compelled to make every high level Presidential cabinet meeting take on the atmosphere of the last stages of a Presidential primary campaign, complete with sound bites and public personnas and mannerisms as might well be evidenced in a second rate television campaign ad, the ordinarily faithful viewers of 24 are starting to drift away from the series, and on to fresher programs, such as “Heroes”, which is indeed a compelling, well written series, with well drawn characters, plot lines, dialoques, mystery and suspense.

I mean, do the writers of this show actually think that politicians really talk like this in high level cabinet meetings, like pundits spewing forth talking points on a cable news network?

What we are getting with this season of 24 is a kind of pc propoganda that is tantamount to attempted mass brainwashing on an unprecedented scale.

The liberal view of how to engage in the war on terror-good. The conservative view-baaaaaaad.

The liberal view-common sense based determination through strength of character along with faith in and devotion to the constitution.

The conservative view-A bunch of weak kneed weenies who are reacting out of fear and ready to hand their personal freedoms over to devious agents of right wing fascism.

Well, how about some pros and cons of both sides, a little bit of gray area? If the producers and writers of 24 had to delve into this at all, wouldn’t that be more-well, honest? A little bit less-wellllll, like left wing propoganda? Wouldn’t it, finally, be a hell of a lot more realistic?

Evidently, the network executives of Fox have determined the season can be saved by pre-empting next weeks Prison Break and showing next weeks episode of 24 at 8:00 p.m., or as they call it, a “special time”.

Good luck with that. But if they continue to engage in the pc rhetorhic that has been on display over the last few episodes, they might well discover even more people than they ever imagined really do love their “Heroes”.

But, oh well-at least the folks at CAIR will be happy.If you tune into the show, you might recognize the thinly disguised organization portrayed on the show. It's leader is, you should definitely be aware, one of the "good guys".

Monday, February 05, 2007

Sometimes, The More You Know The Worse It Gets

You know the Bible 100%!

Wow! You are awesome! You are a true Biblical scholar, not just a hearer but a personal reader! The books, the characters, the events, the verses - you know it all! You are fantastic!

Ultimate Bible Quiz
Create MySpace Quizzes

Thanks to Lemuel from Hillbilly White Trash for helping me prove I know the Bible as much as he does.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

My Fucking Super Bowl Predictions


Don’t make any bets on this, but this is my Super Bowl prediction, as of the time I first got up this morning, kind of spur of the moment.



Yep, Chicago wins it by a field goal acquired either late in the fourth quarter or possibly even in overtime, after a fumble recovery off Colts quarterback Peyton Manning leads to a Chicago drive and winning field goal.

This might be one of the all time great Super Bowls, with the one flaw that a great amount of the game, possibly as much as a quarter’s worth of total time or more, might well begin to look like a contest between the two quarterbacks to see who can commit the most fumbles or throw the most interceptions.

In fact, I am thinking that as many as 17-24 of the games total points could come about due to this aspect of the game. Also, I am thinking one of the touchdowns might come about due to a punt return, probably by Chicago.

Also look for three injuries, two of them minor, but one of them somewhat significant, all on the Chicago side.

Like I said in the beginning, don’t make any last minute bets on these predictions, and if you do, don’t blame me.

UPDATE-Yeah, I should have titled this post, "My Fucked Up Super Bowl Predictions".

Final Score:

Indianapolis Colts-29
Chicago Bears-17

If it had not have been pouring down the rain though throughout the fucking game-ahh, never mind. From here on out, no more sports predictions, I promise to stick to doing what I do best, promoting worldwide orgies.

Well, I did warn you not to bet on it.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Aaaaal Aboooard- The Fuck Train

I just had this brilliant idea, but like I always said, give credit where credit is due. So anyway, these two old hippies came up with this crazy idea that if everybody in the world participated in some kind of sexual activity on the last Yule, with the goal of as many people in the world on that day experiencing a near simultaneous orgasm, they could call it World Orgasm Day and it might lead to world peace. Or something like that. I guess you could call it "Get A Piece For Peace Day".

Well, obviously, even if it did happen-which if it did not many people are talking about it-then it did not work (as if). The problem with this idea is, to begin with, they tried to turn it into a fucking quickie, when they should have been encouraging more of a big build up, a gradual increasing of sexual activity leading up until the target date for maximum impact.

Then, their stated goal would still be unattainable, simply because there are too many different people involved with too many disparate, even contradictory goals. The act itself should be the goal, becasue the act itself would do wonders toward minimizing all those disparate and conflicting inner goals, desires, and energies.

But that should not be reason to give up on the project of establishing a world orgasm. The whole problem was the lack of a build-up. This is something that would better be accomplished by a string of orgasms, culminating in the biggest one set to occur on a specific date. I vote for Litha, or as the plebes call it, "Midsummer".

Now what makes more sense, to have a world sexual orgasm day on the first day of winter, or the first day of summer? Yeah, the first day of summer is Litha, and sex is more in keeping with the magical energies of the longest day of the year than it is the shortest one.

Of course, you could make the argument that the longest night of the year might be more appropriate, and what better thing to do on what is at least symbolically the coldest day of the year-than to fuck?

Well, the thing is, you could make a good case for fucking any day or any night. The first day of spring would be equally appropriate, or for that matter Beltane (May Day to you commoner types).

The point is, what is sex without a little bit of foreplay? In my experience, the more the better. So let's ratchet up the goal of everybody in the world fucking, but let's do it in a slightly different way. If you want to play the game, then this is what you do.

Every man or woman must agree to go out and fuck somebody. No, it cannot be your wife or husband or boy friend or girl friend. It has to be somebody that you have NEVER FUCKED BEFORE.

That person then has to go out and fuck somebody under the same conditions, somebody they have never fucked before. At the risk of sounding stupid and insulting, I guess I'll add that adults only should participate in this game, not that I really give a shit, it just sounds like something you're expected to say. Let's compromise here. Adults should just fuck adults and teenagers should just fuck teenagers, and then only if they are already sexually active.

Ok, now that that little bit of politically correct unpleasantness is out of the way, let's get on with it, shall we? So, what is the goal? World Peace? Understanding and harmony? No, fuck people, do you really need a fucking reason? Get real. It is simply to start a train, a fuck train that has as it's goal to make a stop in every city, town, village, etc., in every country, province and county of the world. It would be a little much to set as a goal of by the time it's over everyone in the world will have gotten on board the fuck train, but then again, who knows?

Remember, JUNE 21st, 2007.

People all over the world
Join In
Start A Fuck Train
Fuck Train

People All Over The World
Join In
Start A Fuck train.
Fuck Train

Remember, fuck a stranger or somebody you have never fucked before. Do it as often as you can with as many different people as you can. They in turn should do the same. By the time Midsummer (Litha) gets here, then on that day there should be more people fucking than at any other single time in human history.

Comments here are of course welcome, but I don't want to hear anything about STD's. Use protection.

Let's get this fuck train going.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Nobel Gore

I just read somewhere that Al Gore has been nominated for a Nobel Prize. Can you believe it? Al Gore? For what, "An Inconvenient Truth"?

Al Gore might well be the cause of global warming. Shit, everywhere the guy goes, the North Wind seems to follow. There is even a name for it, the "Gore Effect". Everywhere he goes talking about global warming, it gets cold. Now, come on, is someone somewhere trying to tell us something?

I used to some degree buy into Gore's schpiel, and don't get me wrong, global climate change might well be a big problem, an it is certainly worthy of serious concern.

But this is a guy who just a few months ago said, to my amazement, that possibly a major contributing factor to global warming was,was-ready now? Hold on to your hats. Here it comes-


So here is a major figure of the Democratic Party, which has for going on three decades now been a major opponent of the tobacco industry, and has done all it can to make it as difficult and expensive as possible to pursue the very same habit they for years went out of their way to subsidize,and now along comes Al Gore.


I can see it now.

"Hey Al, if you would put in a word for tobacco being responsible for global warming, maybe we can put the strong arm on some people for some contributions to your cause, and if you decide to run for President-who knows?"

Just look at what happened the minute the Democrats took over Congress. Pelosi banned smoking in all offices of the capital building. Jeesus Fucking Christ, I mean, really.

Well, anyway, I shouldn't really be surprised, look at the pieces of shit that has been nominated for the Nobel Prize over the years, has actually won the motherfucker.

Yassir Arafat? Jimmy Carter?

Hey AL, congrats on your nomination, but if you really want to WIN the Nobel Prize, here's a sure fire way you can do it.

Blame Global Warming on the fucking Jews, and leave the smokes alone.