What Would Gandhi Do?

I’m always hearing about how the left wing anti-war movement is always holding up Gandhi as an example of how the world should enact foreign policy, and how they themselves should set an example of how to protest against other policies that are not to their liking.

Evidently, to these people there is no set of problems anywhere, no matter how profound, grave, or complicated, that can’t be solved by peaceful protest. Gandhi himself seems to have felt this way. I have recently read that he even criticized the Allied nations for resisting Hitler in World War II. Worse, he even suggested that the Jews should not have tried to fight him, nor even should they have attempted to escape his atrocities. They should have just peacefully acquiesced to the savagery of the butcher’s gas chambers and ovens, and all the other horrors visited upon them by the Nazi regime.

If this was truly his position, that is most remarkable. What can you say? Try as I might, words fail me in providing a sufficient response to such profound naivety.

But I can still try. In fact, appropriately enough, I just can’t resist sharing with you a few-

GANDHI RIDDLES

How many Gandhis does it take to change a light?
A: One Gandhi can change a light, so long as it’s a dim bulb.

How many dicks does Gandhi have?
A: Gandhi only has one dick however he somehow manages to stick it in millions of asses at once.

How many peaceniks does it take to change Gandhis diaper?
A: Gandi can change his own diaper and you can kiss his ass.

How many Gandis does it take to fill a gas tank?
A: One Gandi can fill one gas tank of a medium sized car however it might take two for an SUV.

Why does Gandhi always smile so serenely?”
A: Because he’s a fucking idiot.

If Gandhi were to watch American Idol who would he vote for?
A: Who gives a shit?

How many Gandhis would it take to bring about permanent world peace?
A: Oh, as of right now, somewhere between seven and eight billion.

But wouldn’t the world be better off if a lot more people followed Gandhi’s example?
A: Yep, it would be especially great for the ones of us who don’t.

I have heard it said that Gandhi might be an avatar of some great Hindu god, like Vishnu. What do you think?
A: I think you’re fucking stupid.

I think you are just a mean, angry person. Why are you so hateful, why don’t you try to be more like Gandhi?
A: Gandhi this dick.

You are disgusting. If I make love to a man it will be a kind and considerate man like Gandhi. They are out there you know.
A: You got that right. They certainly are “out there”.

So would you consider learning more about Gandhi? Maybe you will see the light if you try.
A: Ok you win. I’m like Gandhi. Let’s fuck.

HaHa very funny. Do you think I’m a complete idiot?
A: Yes.

Well, you’re not so smart yourself mister. Gandhi won his country’s independence from the British through his policies of non-violent peaceful resistance. What do you think of that? Doesn’t that prove his way is right?
A: No, it just proves the British had turned into a bunch of wusses. Of course, they also pulled all their investments out after which India slid into abject poverty, but what the hell, who needs food and clothing and shelter?

But don’t you think there are more important things in the world than material things, things like love and compassion and tolerance?
A: Nope. Not when I’m starving to death anyway.

Did you know that Dr. Martin Luther King is an example of a person that followed Gandhi’s example?
A: Nobody’s perfect.

But it worked, didn’t it?
A: Peaceful protest and striking against your own countries improper policies is one thing. That formula is unworkable in the arena of international relations, especially in cases of war. Taken to it’s logical extreme, if the country were invaded and everyone were to do nothing about it but “peacefully protest”, it would probably amount to national enslavement-or suicide.

But if people everywhere were to peacefully protest against the Iraq war, don’t you think it would work?
A: Yep, I think the Iraqi Sunni insurgents and Shi’ite death squads would be so fucking impressed they would lay down their arms tomorrow and make peace and want to help us all establish a worldwide international movement of peace and love.

Then if you know that why don’t you join the movement? Will you join us in protesting this evil war?
A: No thanks. I would prefer to agitate for a sensible long term solution. But it has to be a comprehensive, common sense solution, none of this pie in the sky wishful thinking.

But don’t you see that we are just fueling the insurgency by our presence. Don’t you think we should get out and make amends? War and fighting never accomplishes anything. Just ask yourself, WHAT WOULD GANDHI DO?
A: Oh, I don’t know. Establish, arm, and try to fund the Indian military, perhaps?

So are you saying Gandhi was a hypocrit? India is a democracy, you know. Maybe the Indian parliament did that and he couldn’t stop it, just like he couldn’t prevent the partition of India. It’s not his fault the people wouldn’t listen to him. But don’t you know an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure?
A: Maybe in some cases, but it’s always nice to have that cure available regardless, just in case.

So, I see. You are a conservative wingnut, aren’t you?
A: Not at all. I might vote Republican the next election, however.

KER-SLAP!!!
A: Hey, that hurt!!!

Mascot Madness

In the annals of sports, there are few things more maddening than the manufactured controversy over team mascots, with the NCAA going the extra mile of denying post season playoff berths to schools who utilize mascots that are deemed inappropriate, insulting, or denigrating to a special interest group. The most obvious example here would be the use of Indian mascots, as reported by the good folks at American Legends, the post for which you can find linked to in the title of this post.

Actually, if this post is widely read enough, I will probably be sentenced to death in
some quarters for refusing to refer to them as “Native American”, which I used to do, but no longer. I’m spiteful that way.

In fact, I want to take the time here to extend kudos to the Seminole tribe of Florida, who in fact has supported the use of their name and image by the Florida State Seminoles, an act that probably has the NCAA officials secretly all but tearing their hair out, and considering presenting the tribe a gift of smallpox infested blankets addressed from the Florida State Alumni Association.

I contend that most Indians, in fact, could care less about this issue, and what ones do care are probably in favor of it, much like most Irish Americans look with self-deprecating humor on the image of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish mascot. The minority that are opposed I put down to the level of-well, renegades on the warpath.

Of course, when it comes to the NCAA and others who suffer from the infestation of political correctness, it would appear they are in denial of their own bigotry. To their way of thinking, only white people are of a superior enough intellect and emotional maturity to be able to appreciate one of their cultural images being utilized in such a humorous fashion. Indians, blacks, etc., are doubtless genetically inferior, so it is wrong to “make fun” of them. After all, they obviously, as members of a lesser race, have not evolved enough to appreciate this subtlety, therefore we should go out of our way to shelter them. After all, this should make us feel better, by showing these poor unfortunate inferior people that we really care about their feelings.

Well, I disagree with this assessment, and I believe that all cultures and races should be integrated into the great American melting pot, and what better way to do this than by mercilessly making sport of them and their cultures, the way the gods intended. I propose that school names and mascots are the best way to begin this great new American experiment.

Let’s start with the mentally retarded. Let’s face it, nothing is funnier than a retardo trying to act smart, or clever, or gods help us, sexy. Admit it, haven’t you ever laughed at least once at a retarded person? You just can’t help it at one time or another, let’s face it, they were meant to be laughed at, otherwise, well, you wouldn’t have laughed at that little mongoloid chick in school that was constantly sticking her finger up her butt and smelling it when she thought nobody was looking. Or the boy that just couldn’t keep his eyes off the best looking girl in school, and couldn’t help breathing like a maniac if she got so close to him. If you were that girl, and you were a little on the cruel side, you might have flirted with him just enough to get him to admit with a glaze over his eyes, “I wuv oo”.

About the only thing that isn’t funny about them is, well, when they try to be funny. Then you finally see them for what they are-stupid. Then you feel sorry for them. But is that any better? Hell no. Let’s bring them fully integrated into America. They are off to a good start with the Special Olympics, but let’s really honor them by naming a bona fide real sports team after them. For example-

THE RHODE ISLAND RETARDOS
MASCOT-



BUGSIE BOOGEREATER

Once that goes over like a lead balloon, and it’s obvious that most people just aren’t comfortable with making fun of the “mentally challenged” (realspeak translation-idiots), then we have to persevere by bringing in other minorities. Here is where the negro can make a contribution. Oh, excuse me, I forgot, it’s not negroes anymore, it’s Afro Americans. No, shit, that’s wrong too, it’s blacks. Wait a minute, man, I’m still way back in the past, it’s “people of color”. Oh wait,though, I forgot, that was decided to be too broad to apply to people of African heritage, so let’s make sure we call them “African Americans”. Well, for the rest of this decade, at least.

To hell with it, I have the perfect team name and mascot for our Negro/Afro-American/Black/People of Color/African American/Whatever’s Next You Damn Well Better Learn To Say It Quick brothers and sisters.

THE NEW JERSEY JIGGABOOS
MASCOT-



CHIEF SPEARCHUCKER

All during the game, his cheerleading squad will be charged with shouting out incendiary racial rhetoric. After losing a game, they will lead the crowd in looting and burning down the stadium and vandalizing all the cars in the parking lot. After winning a game, they will lead the crowd in looting and burning down the stadium and vandalizing all the cars in the parking lot.

Now, of course, some people might think we should make some exceptions, for example, when it comes to Arab/Muslim Americans. After all, these folks feel overly maligned due to association with Islamic terrorists. It just wouldn’t be right to add to their degradation by appropriating their cultural images in a humorous way for a sports team and mascot, would it?

Perhaps you will not be shocked to learn that I disagree with this opinion, and in fact the opposite might well be the case. In fact, what better way to relieve the stress and tension due to this serious issue than be dedicating a university or perhaps a professional sports team specifically to this misunderstood and yet intriqing culture. In fact, since there are so many Arabs and Muslims in the great state of Michigan, might I suggest-

THE DETROIT DIAPERHEADS
MASCOT-



MUHAMMED BEHEDR

Now, there will be a problem here with his cheerleading squad. Of course, they will be required to dress in such a manner so that no parts of their bodies will be shown, so they can’t take the chance of jumping up and down and risk showing an ankle or calve, so they will have to be relegated to waving posters and placards that say cool things like “Death To The Infidel Team” while Muhammed Behedr runs up to the oppossing teams' cheerleaders and throws acid in their faces.

Since they can’t be seen, it would be necessary for them to mingle with the crowd during halftime in a friendly way, while passing out team pictures in envelopes that also contain powdered anthrax.

The teams lawyers might also want to consider filing a lawsuit to lift the restrictions on airspace flights over the stadium during game time. At least during away games.

Another issue that is a great cause for concern is the problem of illegal immigration, particularly that of migrant workers from Mexico. These fine folks go out of their way to “do jobs Americans won’t do”, and are so concerned about the quality of work available to American farmers and businesses, they go out of their way to insure that inferior workers from Nicaraqua and Honduras are blocked at their own country’s southern border from entering the US. I think we owe them a debt of thanks, and what better way to repay them than by honoring them with a sports team and mascot of their own. Nor does it have to be limited to a team from the American Southwest. Not any more. Now, they are all over the country, even the east and midwest. In recognition of their “contribution”, therefore, I suggest-

THE WEST VIRGINIA WETBACKS
MASCOT-



THE WELFARE BANDITO

The whole team can be driven out into the field in the back of eighteen wheelers hidden under ears of loose corn and lettuce. This will probably be one of the poorest teams, of course, to all appearances, but they can make all kinds of extra money under the table by selling good quality Mexican blow and smack to the crowd. They won’t have to worry about the border agents arresting them. Even if they try to do that, all they have to do is shoot them. Who would complain about a thing like that? The government? Hah!

Of course, not all teams have to have an ethnic or racial orientation. Some might even have a religious orientation, as well as an ethnic one. To this end, what better team for white Christian folks to rally behind than-

THE ALABAMA BIBLE THUMPERS
MASCOT-



WHITEY HOOD

Can’t you just see him now taking the field and leading cheers with a crack of the whip?

Of course, he will lead the team in a rousing prayer before every game, shout out the Ten Commandments all throughout the game, and after every home game, he will lead them in burning a cross. After every victory that is, after every defeat they lynch an opponent of the visiting team. Just one though, then they tell the rest to go back where they came from.

Or, a team can have a solidly religious structure. After all, all Christians aren’t white, nor are they all protestant. They are, however, vital members of American society. As such, I am sure that catholics, for example, would appreciate a team such as-

THE PHILADELPHIA PRIEST PEDOPHILES
MASCOT-



FATHER PHIL BUTZ

Of course, this particular team will also require a special kind of cheerleading squad to accompany the good priest as he goes about his business of blessing the game, the crowd, the players, etc. A good solid squad of about fifty pre-teen children, one girl for every ten boys, should do the trick nicely. Half the team can masturbate during halftime while they perform, while the other half of the team looks the other way. It will be Father Phil’s job as team mascot to make sure all is forgiven.

Of course, it has been often stated that not all victims of sex crimes are legitimate, some are even making false accusations. Is this possible? Would a teenager lie about being molested, why what ever for? Surely their mothers or fathers wouldn’t put them up to that. In the case of runaways, is it true, as I have recently heard, that EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM are unwilling victims of the sex slave industry? Especially the girls, I have heard, who just want a Prince Charming in a romantic fantasy kind of way. None of these girls actually ENJOY sex. How disgusting to even consider such a thing as that! Why, it’s impossible for a teenage girl to enjoy sex with a teenage boy, let alone a grown man, isn’t it?.

For that matter, would a grown woman lie about being raped? Why, you would have to think there are vengeful women on this earth to believe something like that. What other reason would they have to make up something so horrid, surely not MONEY?

This is where education can play a large role in teaching people the truth and bridging the sexual divide that causes these misunderstandings, and what better educational tool than in the realm of sports? Therefore, in order to show how ridiculous these beliefs are, I propose-

THE CALIFORNIA CUNTSLUTS
MASCOT-



PRUDENCE PRICKTEASER

She should be a real Amazon, of questionable sexual orientation, while her squad of cheerleaders should be women of all races, ages, and looks, ranging from drop-dead-gorgeous-and-knows-it, to god-awful-fucking-ugly, to downright trashy. When a ruling on the field goes against them, they all scream RAPE with a flashy, ear to ear grin of dubious sincerity, alternating with cries of mock anger and disgust if the offending rule stands. No matter the ruling, they threaten a lawsuit. No matter how the game ends, they are always ready, willing, and eager for the next one.

Finally, although I could name many more such examples, I would be remiss if I didn’t end this post with a recommendation to our leaders in Washington to set an example. They are always wanting a sports team, and amazingly, they have already led the way with The Washington Redskins, a team which has always come under much criticism due to the derogatory nature of this supposedly racist name. Yet, the Redskins play on, while the DC crowd prattles on, with the encouragement of the many special interest groups that demand special rights,considerations, and even privileges.

In honor of them all, what better team to grace the landscape of our nations capital than-

THE DC PC PRICKTARDS
MASCOT-



Of course, there would be many worthy candidates to hold the position of this particular mascot. Who knows what the future might hold?

Vacation Aruba-Paulus Van Der Sloot's Huge Penis

There are many natural scenic wonders on the small Caribbean island of Aruba, just off the coast of Venzuela. Not the least among these is the recently filmed bulge in the slacks of Paulus Van Der Sloot, filmed as he was leaving the islands lone prison in the company of his wife, having gone there for the purpose of visiting their 17 year old son, Joran. He, of course, has been held recently, along with two friends, in connection with the mysterious disappearance of Alabama High School student Natalie Holoway. For a brief time, Paulus himself was detained on suspicion of complicity after the fact in relation to the disappearance, and is still considered a suspect, though no grounds have yet been provided which are sufficient to detain him further. As he and his wife walked from the prison, hand in hand, the camera crew for MSNBC felt compelled to zoom in on Van Der Sloot's crotch, an event which was then aired on the cable networks "Scarborough Country" with Joe Scarborough.

Someone was reported to have said, "Damn, how long has she been in there, thirty minutes, an hour? He must stay happy to see her."

"Nahh, man, he's just hangin' ten," another is reported to have said. "At least"

Afterwards, in a further development which may in part or in whole be related, or may not be, the various media networks have extended their weekly lots in drawing for which anchors, analysts, and news crews will migrate here in the hopes of covering the story of Miss Holloways disappearance, and of hopefully rescuing her if alive, or otherwise retrieving her body for a return home and proper burial. Many are determined to assist in any way possible in uncovering the truth behind the crime, if indeed a crime has been committed. To these ends, they have all joined together, these media outlets from all over the U.S. , and set up camp in Aruba-a beautiful Carribbean island which has long been noted for it's tropical climate and it's balmy ocean breezes, it's endless miles of sandy beaches and surf, an island paradise of which ease and comfort and leisure is matched only by the glamor and excitement of it's nightlife, it's casinos and nightclubs and discotheques, it's first rate food, it's golf courses and tennis courts, and the many beautiful and natural scenic wonders, in a setting noted for it's cleanliness, and unusually low unemployment, poverty, and crime rate.

They have come, and will continually do so, from a variety of outlets, from all the major television networks and 24 hour cable news channels, and possibly, it is rumored, from other cable channels, as diverse as Nikolodeon, Bravo, USA, Animal Planet, and Turner Clasic Movies. The print media as well may end up being fully represented, from such varied outlets as Time, Newsweek, The New York Times, High Times, Playboy, The Wall Street Journal, Rolling Stone, The Christian Science Monitor,and a contingent of some fifty odd cub reporters from the Weekly Reader.

Beth Holoway, the mother of Natalie, (who has by now been missing for about a month to the day since she failed to show up for the return trip home from her unofficial High School Senior trip to Aruba), was heartened at the news of the ever increasing interest of the news media, as were other family members and friends. She hopes that this will turn the tide of the investigation, and lead finally to results. She is certain that young Joran is hiding something, and that Paulus, her father, is involved as well.

One things for certain, Greta Van Sustern, of Fox News Channels "On The Record", plans to follow the story as long as it takes, and seems determined to stay in Aruba until the mission is accomplished, however that might turn out. Some may recall that it was an interview with the elder Van Der Sloot, conducted by Greta in the presence of Mrs. Holoway, that lead to the Dutch nationals temporary incarceration on suspicion of aiding and abetting his son and his friends. Despite the fact that he has now been released, Greta is unwavering in her determination to get to the truth.

"Paulus seems to be trying to hide something", she is reported to have been overheard confiding. " I have this idea that it's huge. I mean, it's just too obvious."