People that have read my blog might recall from time to time I've mentioned a late uncle by marriage. He was badly injured in World War II, and never quite recovered. In his last years, he suffered from two serious conditions-prostrate cancer and Alzheimers disease. It was the first one that killed his body, but the second one that caused the gradual, long term disintegration of his mind.
No, this isn't another rant about the Veterans Hospitals that have suffered severe funding shortages. It would hardly be fair to blame them for the mental deterioration he suffered, which manifested in many ways.
Once, he looked for a chain saw in the drawer of the microwave cabinet. Another time, he looked for a set of bed rails in the cab of another uncle's pick-up truck. His perspective in many ways was that screwed up.
It only got worse with time. But perhaps the grossest, nastiest way it manifested itself was in the way he went to the bathroom, and most especially in the way he wiped his ass afterwards. With one square of toilet paper.
He was that much of a tight ass. I shit you not.
Diarrhea? No difference. One square. A normal, healthy shit? One square. Just passing gas? Hell, one square, just to be on the safe side. Just in case there was a little turd hanging around up there somewhere, I guess.
Sounds nasty, huh? Yeah, it does to me too. I didn't know it for a while, but since I learned of this peculiar behavior, I still get sick when I think of all the times I shook his hand. Wouldn't you?
So is Sheryl Crow that much of a nasty assed bitch? Or does she just think all the rest of us should be? Is she really that determined to save trees that she wants to ration toilet paper, with no regard for just how unhealthy and fucking nasty that would be? Isn't there a better way?
Can you imagine how chapped that ass would have to be, and all that shit caked on it. Listen, you know she doesn't really do the crap she's advising.
On the other hand, well, she did start out as the opening act for Michael Jackson, and according to her, her friends a communist, so I guess this all makes a degree of sense.
For me, even a normal healthy shit requires the use of, oh, about three squares per turd. Make that four. Otherwise, I would have no other option than to drop my pants and drag my ass on the ground about four feet like a dog with worms.
I don't intend to do that, nor do I intend to limit myself to one square of toilet paper per shit, or even per turd. Fuck that. If Sheryl Crow really wipes her ass that way, she's welcome to be a nasty ass all she wants. I think she's full of shit myself.
As for anybody else that might buy into this crap, well, you know, if you insist. If it makes you happy, I guess it can't be that bad. Just don't take it hard if I keep my distance.
In the meantime-earth to Crow: When Rosie O'Donnell makes fun of you, you know you've made an ass of yourself.
Showing posts with label Extremists. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Extremists. Show all posts
Monday, April 23, 2007
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Defending The Patriarchy
Alas, I am a troll, and my comments have been banned from a certain site due to their excessive trollishness. No, I won’t say who they are, however if you care to memorize the contents of this sites blogroll, you might be able to figure out who they are once they have been deleted from the list. Hurry though, it won’t be there much longer. Truthfully, this will hurt me much more than it will hurt them, judging from the relative larger number of comments per average post on their site than mine, but on the other hand, they never bothered to reciprocate my linkage, so maybe not. At least I got their attention momentarily.
So what is all this about? Well, they insist that the evil patriarchy should be demolished. I disagree. I think it should be reformed from within, assumming it needs to be reformed at all..
I also dare to hold that patriarchy has it’s beneficial components as well as it’s most obvious negative ones, and further that a “feminarchy” would (gasp) hold a comparable ratio of positive to negative aspects. As such, being male, I would remain entrenched in said patriarchy, other than working to reform it from within, though this would not be, as they wrongly assummed, from a privileged position.
And, selfish human being that I am, yes, I demand credit and appreciation for my efforts. This really gets to them for some reason, they seem to hold the position that you should do something because it is right, and expect no appreciation for that. Oh, I take that back, they modified that position. It depends on the quantity of work you do (are you willing to engage in unquestioning drone labor) or the quality (can you demagogue and lead said mindless drones to the new paradise of feminist domination, errrr, equality).
Otherwise, just being for something, donating a little time, money, and say, voting for the appropriate political candidate, such minor details as living by example, gets you not so much as a smidgen of respect. Yeah, try selling that to a skeptical to begin with public.
Anyway, I’m a troll, i.e., someone who doesn’t agree one hundred per cent with the party line and dares to question the validity of it’s observations and conclusions.
Well, ok, and also I guess because I related that “my bitch” had best not stand in the way of the tv screen when the game is on. Just bring on the cold cuts. Can I help it that I’ve got an edgy sense of humor? Actually, while I do have that, in reality I do not have a “bitch”.
I also don’t have a lot to do with the patriarchy. I have not personally benefited from it. According to them, you see, all males pretty much have benefited from it by just the obviousness of their male-ishness, though they later modified this position as well to denote that many men have not.
The patriarchy has been with us for some time, though. It was invented by the United States founding fathers, by way of their purposefully malicious bending of the words of the Bible, and then enshrined into the constitution. George Bush recently unveiled plans for a new cabinet department, the Department of Patriarchal Security.
I’m kidding. Actually patriarchy predates not only the US, it also predates Islam, Christianity, and Judaism. Neo-Pagan/Wiccan mythology to the contrary, the ancient pagan cultures were patriarchal, for the most part. Their goddess cults pretty much not only defended it, they promoted it. Their goddesses were all good little girls who did what Daddy Zeus told them, unless they were shrewish bitches like wife Hera, or out and out sluts like Aphrodite. This example of course is the Graeco-Roman one, but all pagan cults pretty much toed the patriarchal line.
Women were bartered by their fathers as young girls to the proper mate (a scion of the wealthiest family the woman could be arranged to be married into). Women had no say, were considered their husband’s property, could be divorced at will, while men had the ultimate last word in all matters of both major and minor importance. Women may have ruled their children in some respects, but even here the man had the final say. Women could own no property, could not hold public office. While there have been notable examples of exceptions to these rules, by and large this was the reality of the ancient world. Women were chattel. Their lives and the quality thereof were dependant solely on first their fathers, and then their husbands, and finally, their sons if they were fortunate enough-or unfortunate enough-to survive their spouses.
And of course men have ruled since the days of recorded history, and so far as any available evidence attests, well before then.
Thing shave gotten better, though. There is a social evolution as well as any other kind, and patriarchy has fallen under the sway of mother nature as much as anything. And it will continue to do so. Thus the feminazis can continue to rail against it, will probably even make minor temporary progress from time to time, but for the most part theirs is an impotent rage with no real point.
Just, “look at me. I’m against the patriarchy, so I’m great and wise. If you are not against it you are a part of the problem so you are scum. But if you change your mind and are against it you still don’t get to be great and wise like I am.”
Oh, and of course, I almost forgot their other typical stance-
“Don’t criticize Muslims, you racist.”
Still, change will come in time, but it won’t be rushed, because it just won’t take if it is. And when it gets to the point that women are truly the equal of men in all things, women will probably still be bitching about their lot in life. And so will men. That is probably one thing that’s never gong to change on either side of the equation.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
American Wake
I've run into a bit of a snag in my efforts at researching an aspect of the Iraq War, so rather than just post what amounts to little more than a personal opinion, with no facts to back it up (for now), I decided there is something else that needs to be said that requires no proof, only powers of observation.
I think the idea that America is still a free and democratic society is every day becoming more of a delusion than an ideal to be grasped and nurtured. Just look at the current political season, the race for the two major parties presidential nominations, and you have to wonder, is there ever a break from this shit?
After the election of '04, the pundits were already discussing in earnest prospects for the '08 election, as well as the then next '06 mid-terms. It has been non-stop.
There used to be a saying to the effect that the only two things that kept the American economy going were war and Christmas. Soon, you might well be able to add politics to the list.
So, what is the reason for this? It looks to me like we are heading back to the days when political conventions picked their candidates in the confines of the proverbial "smoke filled rooms", only we are fed the illusion that the people actually have a say in the process.
And, with the internet, it looked for a while as though the people might actually be given a voice after all, might actually make an impact. In the '04 elections, it started to look as though former Vermont Governor Dr. Howard Dean might well have succeeded in translating a grass roots internet based campaign into the surprise nomination of the century. However, the power brokers of the Democratic Party, fearful of a general election debaucle, joined forces to derail Dean by the time the Iowa caucuses and New Hampshire primaries rolled around. By the time of the South Carolina primary, his campaign was obviously done.
To his credit, he parlayed his initial success into a movement to take over successfully the chairmanship of the DNC, after which he initiated the "50 state strategy" that was of paramount importance to the Democrats electoral mid-term victories in '06.
Though Dean is unfairly, in my opinion, maligned by the right as a "far leftist", his strategy has actually presented a problem for the entrenched leftist majority of the Democratic party. After all, the success of Dean's strategy depended on the enlistment of centrist candidates to run in states like Montana, Virginia, and Pennsylvania. The danger here, of course, is that these candidates might actually turn out to be legitimate centrists (as opposed to moderates of convenience, like Hillary Clinton) and so actually bring the party over toward the center, where of course is where most people in America reside. True, this would make the party all but unbeatable, but the left PAC gravy train would be seriously in jeopardy. Also, the people that make up the majority of Americans-the moderate majority-would tend to actually hold them or any political party accountable for their actions-something most parties aren't used to from their established bases of support.
So, how best to derail this movement than by moving the primary season up and compressing it into a time span early enough in the year so that both parties will have chosen their candidates by early April, at least. This gives the party power brokers the opportunity to insure that their chosen candidates have the money to get their message out before a lesser known candidate, such as Dean, has time to get off the ground, financially or otherwise.
The end result of this is that in order to be competitive, candidates must begin their campaigns ridiculously early, thus we have this phenomenon of the never ending campaign. But unless you're a Hillary Clinton or a Rudy Giulliani, it's a losing proposition. A whole year of tilting at windmills during an off year leading up to the legitimate and traditional campaign season is not a recipe for success. By the time the campaign starts in earnest, the establishment candidates have all their papers in order, their war chests overflowing, and their talking points memorized. They also have the state party machines lined up, as well as most media outlets who are ready to fawn over their every utterance, as they have for the most part throughout the off year.
It is almost a sure fire bet that Hillary Clinton will be the nominee of the Democratic Party, and though the Republican outcome isn't nearly as certain, the smart money is on Giulliani, for now. Of course, the uncertainty of the Republican outcome is based on a lot of soul searching and angst over the last electoral defeat, not over the viability of the system at large.
But the people at large have less say about these matters, as the PACS, other big money contributors, and the party elites, and all those who by and large profit from the system as it is, will do anything to protect their own interests, which sometimes dovetails with the national interest, but at least just as often does not.
But who cares about all that? There's a party going on-a political party primary season, that is. Get out early when it comes to your state, make sure you dress warmly, and vote early and often. This year, your state could well put the winning nominee over the top. Wave at the nice cameraman. Remember, if you are lucky enough to be singled out by a reporter, you are the face of your state and region. Act appropriately.
And remember-though this might be like a wake, of sorts, for American politics, at least it will give the local economy a shot in the arm.
I think the idea that America is still a free and democratic society is every day becoming more of a delusion than an ideal to be grasped and nurtured. Just look at the current political season, the race for the two major parties presidential nominations, and you have to wonder, is there ever a break from this shit?
After the election of '04, the pundits were already discussing in earnest prospects for the '08 election, as well as the then next '06 mid-terms. It has been non-stop.
There used to be a saying to the effect that the only two things that kept the American economy going were war and Christmas. Soon, you might well be able to add politics to the list.
So, what is the reason for this? It looks to me like we are heading back to the days when political conventions picked their candidates in the confines of the proverbial "smoke filled rooms", only we are fed the illusion that the people actually have a say in the process.
And, with the internet, it looked for a while as though the people might actually be given a voice after all, might actually make an impact. In the '04 elections, it started to look as though former Vermont Governor Dr. Howard Dean might well have succeeded in translating a grass roots internet based campaign into the surprise nomination of the century. However, the power brokers of the Democratic Party, fearful of a general election debaucle, joined forces to derail Dean by the time the Iowa caucuses and New Hampshire primaries rolled around. By the time of the South Carolina primary, his campaign was obviously done.
To his credit, he parlayed his initial success into a movement to take over successfully the chairmanship of the DNC, after which he initiated the "50 state strategy" that was of paramount importance to the Democrats electoral mid-term victories in '06.
Though Dean is unfairly, in my opinion, maligned by the right as a "far leftist", his strategy has actually presented a problem for the entrenched leftist majority of the Democratic party. After all, the success of Dean's strategy depended on the enlistment of centrist candidates to run in states like Montana, Virginia, and Pennsylvania. The danger here, of course, is that these candidates might actually turn out to be legitimate centrists (as opposed to moderates of convenience, like Hillary Clinton) and so actually bring the party over toward the center, where of course is where most people in America reside. True, this would make the party all but unbeatable, but the left PAC gravy train would be seriously in jeopardy. Also, the people that make up the majority of Americans-the moderate majority-would tend to actually hold them or any political party accountable for their actions-something most parties aren't used to from their established bases of support.
So, how best to derail this movement than by moving the primary season up and compressing it into a time span early enough in the year so that both parties will have chosen their candidates by early April, at least. This gives the party power brokers the opportunity to insure that their chosen candidates have the money to get their message out before a lesser known candidate, such as Dean, has time to get off the ground, financially or otherwise.
The end result of this is that in order to be competitive, candidates must begin their campaigns ridiculously early, thus we have this phenomenon of the never ending campaign. But unless you're a Hillary Clinton or a Rudy Giulliani, it's a losing proposition. A whole year of tilting at windmills during an off year leading up to the legitimate and traditional campaign season is not a recipe for success. By the time the campaign starts in earnest, the establishment candidates have all their papers in order, their war chests overflowing, and their talking points memorized. They also have the state party machines lined up, as well as most media outlets who are ready to fawn over their every utterance, as they have for the most part throughout the off year.
It is almost a sure fire bet that Hillary Clinton will be the nominee of the Democratic Party, and though the Republican outcome isn't nearly as certain, the smart money is on Giulliani, for now. Of course, the uncertainty of the Republican outcome is based on a lot of soul searching and angst over the last electoral defeat, not over the viability of the system at large.
But the people at large have less say about these matters, as the PACS, other big money contributors, and the party elites, and all those who by and large profit from the system as it is, will do anything to protect their own interests, which sometimes dovetails with the national interest, but at least just as often does not.
But who cares about all that? There's a party going on-a political party primary season, that is. Get out early when it comes to your state, make sure you dress warmly, and vote early and often. This year, your state could well put the winning nominee over the top. Wave at the nice cameraman. Remember, if you are lucky enough to be singled out by a reporter, you are the face of your state and region. Act appropriately.
And remember-though this might be like a wake, of sorts, for American politics, at least it will give the local economy a shot in the arm.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Mascot Madness
In the annals of sports, there are few things more maddening than the manufactured controversy over team mascots, with the NCAA going the extra mile of denying post season playoff berths to schools who utilize mascots that are deemed inappropriate, insulting, or denigrating to a special interest group. The most obvious example here would be the use of Indian mascots, as reported by the good folks at American Legends, the post for which you can find linked to in the title of this post.
Actually, if this post is widely read enough, I will probably be sentenced to death in
some quarters for refusing to refer to them as “Native American”, which I used to do, but no longer. I’m spiteful that way.
In fact, I want to take the time here to extend kudos to the Seminole tribe of Florida, who in fact has supported the use of their name and image by the Florida State Seminoles, an act that probably has the NCAA officials secretly all but tearing their hair out, and considering presenting the tribe a gift of smallpox infested blankets addressed from the Florida State Alumni Association.
I contend that most Indians, in fact, could care less about this issue, and what ones do care are probably in favor of it, much like most Irish Americans look with self-deprecating humor on the image of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish mascot. The minority that are opposed I put down to the level of-well, renegades on the warpath.
Of course, when it comes to the NCAA and others who suffer from the infestation of political correctness, it would appear they are in denial of their own bigotry. To their way of thinking, only white people are of a superior enough intellect and emotional maturity to be able to appreciate one of their cultural images being utilized in such a humorous fashion. Indians, blacks, etc., are doubtless genetically inferior, so it is wrong to “make fun” of them. After all, they obviously, as members of a lesser race, have not evolved enough to appreciate this subtlety, therefore we should go out of our way to shelter them. After all, this should make us feel better, by showing these poor unfortunate inferior people that we really care about their feelings.
Well, I disagree with this assessment, and I believe that all cultures and races should be integrated into the great American melting pot, and what better way to do this than by mercilessly making sport of them and their cultures, the way the gods intended. I propose that school names and mascots are the best way to begin this great new American experiment.
Let’s start with the mentally retarded. Let’s face it, nothing is funnier than a retardo trying to act smart, or clever, or gods help us, sexy. Admit it, haven’t you ever laughed at least once at a retarded person? You just can’t help it at one time or another, let’s face it, they were meant to be laughed at, otherwise, well, you wouldn’t have laughed at that little mongoloid chick in school that was constantly sticking her finger up her butt and smelling it when she thought nobody was looking. Or the boy that just couldn’t keep his eyes off the best looking girl in school, and couldn’t help breathing like a maniac if she got so close to him. If you were that girl, and you were a little on the cruel side, you might have flirted with him just enough to get him to admit with a glaze over his eyes, “I wuv oo”.
About the only thing that isn’t funny about them is, well, when they try to be funny. Then you finally see them for what they are-stupid. Then you feel sorry for them. But is that any better? Hell no. Let’s bring them fully integrated into America. They are off to a good start with the Special Olympics, but let’s really honor them by naming a bona fide real sports team after them. For example-
THE RHODE ISLAND RETARDOS
MASCOT-
BUGSIE BOOGEREATER
Once that goes over like a lead balloon, and it’s obvious that most people just aren’t comfortable with making fun of the “mentally challenged” (realspeak translation-idiots), then we have to persevere by bringing in other minorities. Here is where the negro can make a contribution. Oh, excuse me, I forgot, it’s not negroes anymore, it’s Afro Americans. No, shit, that’s wrong too, it’s blacks. Wait a minute, man, I’m still way back in the past, it’s “people of color”. Oh wait,though, I forgot, that was decided to be too broad to apply to people of African heritage, so let’s make sure we call them “African Americans”. Well, for the rest of this decade, at least.
To hell with it, I have the perfect team name and mascot for our Negro/Afro-American/Black/People of Color/African American/Whatever’s Next You Damn Well Better Learn To Say It Quick brothers and sisters.
THE NEW JERSEY JIGGABOOS
MASCOT-
CHIEF SPEARCHUCKER
All during the game, his cheerleading squad will be charged with shouting out incendiary racial rhetoric. After losing a game, they will lead the crowd in looting and burning down the stadium and vandalizing all the cars in the parking lot. After winning a game, they will lead the crowd in looting and burning down the stadium and vandalizing all the cars in the parking lot.
Now, of course, some people might think we should make some exceptions, for example, when it comes to Arab/Muslim Americans. After all, these folks feel overly maligned due to association with Islamic terrorists. It just wouldn’t be right to add to their degradation by appropriating their cultural images in a humorous way for a sports team and mascot, would it?
Perhaps you will not be shocked to learn that I disagree with this opinion, and in fact the opposite might well be the case. In fact, what better way to relieve the stress and tension due to this serious issue than be dedicating a university or perhaps a professional sports team specifically to this misunderstood and yet intriqing culture. In fact, since there are so many Arabs and Muslims in the great state of Michigan, might I suggest-
THE DETROIT DIAPERHEADS
MASCOT-
MUHAMMED BEHEDR
Now, there will be a problem here with his cheerleading squad. Of course, they will be required to dress in such a manner so that no parts of their bodies will be shown, so they can’t take the chance of jumping up and down and risk showing an ankle or calve, so they will have to be relegated to waving posters and placards that say cool things like “Death To The Infidel Team” while Muhammed Behedr runs up to the oppossing teams' cheerleaders and throws acid in their faces.
Since they can’t be seen, it would be necessary for them to mingle with the crowd during halftime in a friendly way, while passing out team pictures in envelopes that also contain powdered anthrax.
The teams lawyers might also want to consider filing a lawsuit to lift the restrictions on airspace flights over the stadium during game time. At least during away games.
Another issue that is a great cause for concern is the problem of illegal immigration, particularly that of migrant workers from Mexico. These fine folks go out of their way to “do jobs Americans won’t do”, and are so concerned about the quality of work available to American farmers and businesses, they go out of their way to insure that inferior workers from Nicaraqua and Honduras are blocked at their own country’s southern border from entering the US. I think we owe them a debt of thanks, and what better way to repay them than by honoring them with a sports team and mascot of their own. Nor does it have to be limited to a team from the American Southwest. Not any more. Now, they are all over the country, even the east and midwest. In recognition of their “contribution”, therefore, I suggest-
THE WEST VIRGINIA WETBACKS
MASCOT-
THE WELFARE BANDITO
The whole team can be driven out into the field in the back of eighteen wheelers hidden under ears of loose corn and lettuce. This will probably be one of the poorest teams, of course, to all appearances, but they can make all kinds of extra money under the table by selling good quality Mexican blow and smack to the crowd. They won’t have to worry about the border agents arresting them. Even if they try to do that, all they have to do is shoot them. Who would complain about a thing like that? The government? Hah!
Of course, not all teams have to have an ethnic or racial orientation. Some might even have a religious orientation, as well as an ethnic one. To this end, what better team for white Christian folks to rally behind than-
THE ALABAMA BIBLE THUMPERS
MASCOT-
WHITEY HOOD
Can’t you just see him now taking the field and leading cheers with a crack of the whip?
Of course, he will lead the team in a rousing prayer before every game, shout out the Ten Commandments all throughout the game, and after every home game, he will lead them in burning a cross. After every victory that is, after every defeat they lynch an opponent of the visiting team. Just one though, then they tell the rest to go back where they came from.
Or, a team can have a solidly religious structure. After all, all Christians aren’t white, nor are they all protestant. They are, however, vital members of American society. As such, I am sure that catholics, for example, would appreciate a team such as-
THE PHILADELPHIA PRIEST PEDOPHILES
MASCOT-
FATHER PHIL BUTZ
Of course, this particular team will also require a special kind of cheerleading squad to accompany the good priest as he goes about his business of blessing the game, the crowd, the players, etc. A good solid squad of about fifty pre-teen children, one girl for every ten boys, should do the trick nicely. Half the team can masturbate during halftime while they perform, while the other half of the team looks the other way. It will be Father Phil’s job as team mascot to make sure all is forgiven.
Of course, it has been often stated that not all victims of sex crimes are legitimate, some are even making false accusations. Is this possible? Would a teenager lie about being molested, why what ever for? Surely their mothers or fathers wouldn’t put them up to that. In the case of runaways, is it true, as I have recently heard, that EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM are unwilling victims of the sex slave industry? Especially the girls, I have heard, who just want a Prince Charming in a romantic fantasy kind of way. None of these girls actually ENJOY sex. How disgusting to even consider such a thing as that! Why, it’s impossible for a teenage girl to enjoy sex with a teenage boy, let alone a grown man, isn’t it?.
For that matter, would a grown woman lie about being raped? Why, you would have to think there are vengeful women on this earth to believe something like that. What other reason would they have to make up something so horrid, surely not MONEY?
This is where education can play a large role in teaching people the truth and bridging the sexual divide that causes these misunderstandings, and what better educational tool than in the realm of sports? Therefore, in order to show how ridiculous these beliefs are, I propose-
THE CALIFORNIA CUNTSLUTS
MASCOT-
PRUDENCE PRICKTEASER
She should be a real Amazon, of questionable sexual orientation, while her squad of cheerleaders should be women of all races, ages, and looks, ranging from drop-dead-gorgeous-and-knows-it, to god-awful-fucking-ugly, to downright trashy. When a ruling on the field goes against them, they all scream RAPE with a flashy, ear to ear grin of dubious sincerity, alternating with cries of mock anger and disgust if the offending rule stands. No matter the ruling, they threaten a lawsuit. No matter how the game ends, they are always ready, willing, and eager for the next one.
Finally, although I could name many more such examples, I would be remiss if I didn’t end this post with a recommendation to our leaders in Washington to set an example. They are always wanting a sports team, and amazingly, they have already led the way with The Washington Redskins, a team which has always come under much criticism due to the derogatory nature of this supposedly racist name. Yet, the Redskins play on, while the DC crowd prattles on, with the encouragement of the many special interest groups that demand special rights,considerations, and even privileges.
In honor of them all, what better team to grace the landscape of our nations capital than-
THE DC PC PRICKTARDS
MASCOT-
Of course, there would be many worthy candidates to hold the position of this particular mascot. Who knows what the future might hold?
Actually, if this post is widely read enough, I will probably be sentenced to death in
some quarters for refusing to refer to them as “Native American”, which I used to do, but no longer. I’m spiteful that way.
In fact, I want to take the time here to extend kudos to the Seminole tribe of Florida, who in fact has supported the use of their name and image by the Florida State Seminoles, an act that probably has the NCAA officials secretly all but tearing their hair out, and considering presenting the tribe a gift of smallpox infested blankets addressed from the Florida State Alumni Association.
I contend that most Indians, in fact, could care less about this issue, and what ones do care are probably in favor of it, much like most Irish Americans look with self-deprecating humor on the image of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish mascot. The minority that are opposed I put down to the level of-well, renegades on the warpath.
Of course, when it comes to the NCAA and others who suffer from the infestation of political correctness, it would appear they are in denial of their own bigotry. To their way of thinking, only white people are of a superior enough intellect and emotional maturity to be able to appreciate one of their cultural images being utilized in such a humorous fashion. Indians, blacks, etc., are doubtless genetically inferior, so it is wrong to “make fun” of them. After all, they obviously, as members of a lesser race, have not evolved enough to appreciate this subtlety, therefore we should go out of our way to shelter them. After all, this should make us feel better, by showing these poor unfortunate inferior people that we really care about their feelings.
Well, I disagree with this assessment, and I believe that all cultures and races should be integrated into the great American melting pot, and what better way to do this than by mercilessly making sport of them and their cultures, the way the gods intended. I propose that school names and mascots are the best way to begin this great new American experiment.
Let’s start with the mentally retarded. Let’s face it, nothing is funnier than a retardo trying to act smart, or clever, or gods help us, sexy. Admit it, haven’t you ever laughed at least once at a retarded person? You just can’t help it at one time or another, let’s face it, they were meant to be laughed at, otherwise, well, you wouldn’t have laughed at that little mongoloid chick in school that was constantly sticking her finger up her butt and smelling it when she thought nobody was looking. Or the boy that just couldn’t keep his eyes off the best looking girl in school, and couldn’t help breathing like a maniac if she got so close to him. If you were that girl, and you were a little on the cruel side, you might have flirted with him just enough to get him to admit with a glaze over his eyes, “I wuv oo”.
About the only thing that isn’t funny about them is, well, when they try to be funny. Then you finally see them for what they are-stupid. Then you feel sorry for them. But is that any better? Hell no. Let’s bring them fully integrated into America. They are off to a good start with the Special Olympics, but let’s really honor them by naming a bona fide real sports team after them. For example-
THE RHODE ISLAND RETARDOS
MASCOT-
BUGSIE BOOGEREATER
Once that goes over like a lead balloon, and it’s obvious that most people just aren’t comfortable with making fun of the “mentally challenged” (realspeak translation-idiots), then we have to persevere by bringing in other minorities. Here is where the negro can make a contribution. Oh, excuse me, I forgot, it’s not negroes anymore, it’s Afro Americans. No, shit, that’s wrong too, it’s blacks. Wait a minute, man, I’m still way back in the past, it’s “people of color”. Oh wait,though, I forgot, that was decided to be too broad to apply to people of African heritage, so let’s make sure we call them “African Americans”. Well, for the rest of this decade, at least.
To hell with it, I have the perfect team name and mascot for our Negro/Afro-American/Black/People of Color/African American/Whatever’s Next You Damn Well Better Learn To Say It Quick brothers and sisters.
THE NEW JERSEY JIGGABOOS
MASCOT-
CHIEF SPEARCHUCKER
All during the game, his cheerleading squad will be charged with shouting out incendiary racial rhetoric. After losing a game, they will lead the crowd in looting and burning down the stadium and vandalizing all the cars in the parking lot. After winning a game, they will lead the crowd in looting and burning down the stadium and vandalizing all the cars in the parking lot.
Now, of course, some people might think we should make some exceptions, for example, when it comes to Arab/Muslim Americans. After all, these folks feel overly maligned due to association with Islamic terrorists. It just wouldn’t be right to add to their degradation by appropriating their cultural images in a humorous way for a sports team and mascot, would it?
Perhaps you will not be shocked to learn that I disagree with this opinion, and in fact the opposite might well be the case. In fact, what better way to relieve the stress and tension due to this serious issue than be dedicating a university or perhaps a professional sports team specifically to this misunderstood and yet intriqing culture. In fact, since there are so many Arabs and Muslims in the great state of Michigan, might I suggest-
THE DETROIT DIAPERHEADS
MASCOT-
MUHAMMED BEHEDR
Now, there will be a problem here with his cheerleading squad. Of course, they will be required to dress in such a manner so that no parts of their bodies will be shown, so they can’t take the chance of jumping up and down and risk showing an ankle or calve, so they will have to be relegated to waving posters and placards that say cool things like “Death To The Infidel Team” while Muhammed Behedr runs up to the oppossing teams' cheerleaders and throws acid in their faces.
Since they can’t be seen, it would be necessary for them to mingle with the crowd during halftime in a friendly way, while passing out team pictures in envelopes that also contain powdered anthrax.
The teams lawyers might also want to consider filing a lawsuit to lift the restrictions on airspace flights over the stadium during game time. At least during away games.
Another issue that is a great cause for concern is the problem of illegal immigration, particularly that of migrant workers from Mexico. These fine folks go out of their way to “do jobs Americans won’t do”, and are so concerned about the quality of work available to American farmers and businesses, they go out of their way to insure that inferior workers from Nicaraqua and Honduras are blocked at their own country’s southern border from entering the US. I think we owe them a debt of thanks, and what better way to repay them than by honoring them with a sports team and mascot of their own. Nor does it have to be limited to a team from the American Southwest. Not any more. Now, they are all over the country, even the east and midwest. In recognition of their “contribution”, therefore, I suggest-
THE WEST VIRGINIA WETBACKS
MASCOT-
THE WELFARE BANDITO
The whole team can be driven out into the field in the back of eighteen wheelers hidden under ears of loose corn and lettuce. This will probably be one of the poorest teams, of course, to all appearances, but they can make all kinds of extra money under the table by selling good quality Mexican blow and smack to the crowd. They won’t have to worry about the border agents arresting them. Even if they try to do that, all they have to do is shoot them. Who would complain about a thing like that? The government? Hah!
Of course, not all teams have to have an ethnic or racial orientation. Some might even have a religious orientation, as well as an ethnic one. To this end, what better team for white Christian folks to rally behind than-
THE ALABAMA BIBLE THUMPERS
MASCOT-
WHITEY HOOD
Can’t you just see him now taking the field and leading cheers with a crack of the whip?
Of course, he will lead the team in a rousing prayer before every game, shout out the Ten Commandments all throughout the game, and after every home game, he will lead them in burning a cross. After every victory that is, after every defeat they lynch an opponent of the visiting team. Just one though, then they tell the rest to go back where they came from.
Or, a team can have a solidly religious structure. After all, all Christians aren’t white, nor are they all protestant. They are, however, vital members of American society. As such, I am sure that catholics, for example, would appreciate a team such as-
THE PHILADELPHIA PRIEST PEDOPHILES
MASCOT-
FATHER PHIL BUTZ
Of course, this particular team will also require a special kind of cheerleading squad to accompany the good priest as he goes about his business of blessing the game, the crowd, the players, etc. A good solid squad of about fifty pre-teen children, one girl for every ten boys, should do the trick nicely. Half the team can masturbate during halftime while they perform, while the other half of the team looks the other way. It will be Father Phil’s job as team mascot to make sure all is forgiven.
Of course, it has been often stated that not all victims of sex crimes are legitimate, some are even making false accusations. Is this possible? Would a teenager lie about being molested, why what ever for? Surely their mothers or fathers wouldn’t put them up to that. In the case of runaways, is it true, as I have recently heard, that EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM are unwilling victims of the sex slave industry? Especially the girls, I have heard, who just want a Prince Charming in a romantic fantasy kind of way. None of these girls actually ENJOY sex. How disgusting to even consider such a thing as that! Why, it’s impossible for a teenage girl to enjoy sex with a teenage boy, let alone a grown man, isn’t it?.
For that matter, would a grown woman lie about being raped? Why, you would have to think there are vengeful women on this earth to believe something like that. What other reason would they have to make up something so horrid, surely not MONEY?
This is where education can play a large role in teaching people the truth and bridging the sexual divide that causes these misunderstandings, and what better educational tool than in the realm of sports? Therefore, in order to show how ridiculous these beliefs are, I propose-
THE CALIFORNIA CUNTSLUTS
MASCOT-
PRUDENCE PRICKTEASER
She should be a real Amazon, of questionable sexual orientation, while her squad of cheerleaders should be women of all races, ages, and looks, ranging from drop-dead-gorgeous-and-knows-it, to god-awful-fucking-ugly, to downright trashy. When a ruling on the field goes against them, they all scream RAPE with a flashy, ear to ear grin of dubious sincerity, alternating with cries of mock anger and disgust if the offending rule stands. No matter the ruling, they threaten a lawsuit. No matter how the game ends, they are always ready, willing, and eager for the next one.
Finally, although I could name many more such examples, I would be remiss if I didn’t end this post with a recommendation to our leaders in Washington to set an example. They are always wanting a sports team, and amazingly, they have already led the way with The Washington Redskins, a team which has always come under much criticism due to the derogatory nature of this supposedly racist name. Yet, the Redskins play on, while the DC crowd prattles on, with the encouragement of the many special interest groups that demand special rights,considerations, and even privileges.
In honor of them all, what better team to grace the landscape of our nations capital than-
THE DC PC PRICKTARDS
MASCOT-
Of course, there would be many worthy candidates to hold the position of this particular mascot. Who knows what the future might hold?
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