Some might remember a while back when Rick Perry was introduced at the Value Voters Summit by a certain Baptist Minister who proclaimed that Mormonism, the religion of Perry rival Mitt Romney, was a cult. It caused a firestorm of controversy. Many conservative bloggers considered it a distraction which the liberal media would gleefully use to tear apart any conceivable hope of Republican unity. Even many of those who support Rick Perry, such as Emperor Misha, quickly jumped to Romney's defense. Such vile anti-Mormon bigotry has no place in electoral politics according to Misha, owner of The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler.
Meanwhile, Lemuel Calhoun of Hillbilly White Trash is more or less in agreement to the extent that a person's religion should not be the determining factor as to his or her worth or ability to be president so long as that person follows and adheres to the constitution. However, Lem points out that it is wrong to demand that any other presidential candidate deny that Mormonism is a cult, and goes on to relate some key beliefs of Mormon doctrine. From Lem's post-
Mormons do not believe that God is eternal. They believe that he was born a mortal human in the distant past on a distant planet (a long long time ago in a galaxy far far away) and that he earned his godhood by perfect obedience to the Mormon religion. They believe that upon his death he was judged worthy and elevated to godhood and that he then called out the name of all his wives who then were elevated to the status of goddesshood. That he then formed his own heaven and earth (our earth) out of already existing materials and began populating his heaven by having sex with his goddess wives, who became pregnant and gave birth to babies who had only spirit bodies. The first of his spirit children was Jesus and the second was Lucifer. They call this life in spirit form before getting a body "the preexistence".
Lem goes on to explain that all Mormons who qualify by adherence to the faith will at some point repeat this same process. Having read this, on reflection it gradually dawned on me exactly what Romney's true goals might be.
Mitt Romney is running for President because he figures it will be good practice for the day he becomes-wait for it-
The god of his own planet!
With this in mind, I've done some digging, and come up with what I believe to be an accurate summary of Mitt's future Ten Commandments. They are as follows.
Thou Shalt Have No Other Gods Before Me, For I Am The Lord Thy God And Must Come First!
Thou Shalt Have No Graven Images Unless They Are Edgy Or Unless They Make A Statement!
Thou Shalt Not Take The Name Of The Lord Thy God In Vain Unless Thou Art Really Pissed Off! Or It Makes A Salient Point! Or It Sounds Cool Or Funny!
Remember The Sabbath Day To Keep It Holy Unless Something More Important Comes Up!
Honor Thy Father And Thy Mother So Long As They Do Not Become A Burden Unto Thee!
Thou Shalt Not Kill Unless Thou Hast A Darn Good Reason!
Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery Unless Thou Make Darn Sure No One Knows!
Thou Shalt Not Steal Those Things Thou Needs Not!
Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness Against Thy Neighbor When Thou Hast Nothing To Hide!
Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Wife, House, Or Possessions Unless Thy Neighbor Is A Prick!
Now that's what I call a caring, devoted God for the ages, always ready to offer absolution, salvation, and most important of all-wiggle room.
