Jolie Will Dump Pitt, Marry Bono

Angelina Jolie and husband Brad Pitt have recently reftuned to their California mansion courtesy of the private jet of Tom Cruise, at a cost of 250,000 dollars. In the meantime, Cruise is reportedly engaging in an attempt to proselityze the coupleto the rlgion of Scientology. No word as of yet as to the degree of interest expressed by either Jolie or by Pitt, who is soon to begin filming yet a second sequel of the poular movie series Oceans Eleven.

So, in true pagan witch fashion, I’m going to do something a little different from the ordinary, for me, I’m going to make a prediction as to the future of these celebrities the world can’t seem to ever get enough of.

Jolie, I feel, will express some initial interest in Cruises attempts at conversion, but wil quickly coo to the idea. Pitt, however will maintain a degree of interest, to the point that he may well end up finding himself swept up in the movement, if a little bit at a time.

If true, this may not bode too well for his relationship with Angelina, who aside from an occassional mvie and her African charity work wants no more than to be a mother. In fact, she has expressed an interest in one day having yet more children.

Not that the two will just drift apart from lack of interest. Far from it. Pitt will find himself ever more drawn to keep their two worlds as much as one as possible, but alas, it just isn’t meant to be. He may find himself becoming more and more possessed by the ghost of Tom Cruse, to the dismay of our heroin, who will seek silent refuge in other friendships, and in her work for United Nations African charities.

And it is through this that she will meet her future true love of the year-the Irish rock star Bono. Really, who could possibly make the more perfect couple? I say their wedding is a virtual assurrance, if for no other reason than being a calculated publicity marriage which would garner an amount of attention second only to that of Prince Charles and Diana. Cruse will be at the wedding that he inadverdently helped bring about. Pitt, who will have by now settled into an reserved acceptance of thesituation, will not be in attendance. He will probably, however, take the opportunity at this time to promote his latest movie, havig by now made a number of mostly forgettabel ones of mostly moderate box office success. This one wil turn out like his present and soon to be ended marriage. A lot of promise, a lot of hype-but in the end, a flop.

Not that he won’t try to salvage the relationship, but perhaps not in the best of ways. Word will get to him of the ever growing bonds between Bono and Jolie, and he will come to realize that a then current U2 hit had been written by Bono as a romantic ode to Jolie. He will eventually confront the two in a bistro, and an altercation will ensue, resulting in Bono having a teeth-or a cap-knocked loose, before they are seperated by their security personnel. This will happen indoors, at a posh club, free from the pryings of the papparazi, which will initiate a lawsuit against owners of clubs that ban cameras and recording equipment inside their environs, one that will be summarilly and huffily dismissed.

Cruse will try to patch things up between the two, to no avail. Within a period of a few short moths of this event, the by now legally seperated couple will finalize their divorce. Two months or thereabouts later, Bono and Jolie will be married.

The two of them can then travel the world together, meeting with heads of state and advocating on behalf of various African initiatives of pressing urgency. They will adopt many African children, and will have some of their own, and will even establish their own village there, a self sustaining enterprise devoted to feeding, clothing, and educating the poor of Africa, and becoming a center for medical treatment and research. They will receive myriad humanitarian awards, including a Nobel Prize.

Pitt and Cruses friendship will soon falter, and they too will go their seprate ways, following a shared movie flop disaster. Cruse will then devote his time to his by now legally insane wife, in the aftermath of at least two half-hearted suicide attempts, while Pitt will hit the Broadway, and then the Dinner Theatre, circuits.

In the meantime, Jennifer Anniston and her then current husband, will maintain their status as Hollywoods most boring couple.