People that have read my blog might recall from time to time I've mentioned a late uncle by marriage. He was badly injured in World War II, and never quite recovered. In his last years, he suffered from two serious conditions-prostrate cancer and Alzheimers disease. It was the first one that killed his body, but the second one that caused the gradual, long term disintegration of his mind.
No, this isn't another rant about the Veterans Hospitals that have suffered severe funding shortages. It would hardly be fair to blame them for the mental deterioration he suffered, which manifested in many ways.
Once, he looked for a chain saw in the drawer of the microwave cabinet. Another time, he looked for a set of bed rails in the cab of another uncle's pick-up truck. His perspective in many ways was that screwed up.
It only got worse with time. But perhaps the grossest, nastiest way it manifested itself was in the way he went to the bathroom, and most especially in the way he wiped his ass afterwards. With one square of toilet paper.
He was that much of a tight ass. I shit you not.
Diarrhea? No difference. One square. A normal, healthy shit? One square. Just passing gas? Hell, one square, just to be on the safe side. Just in case there was a little turd hanging around up there somewhere, I guess.
Sounds nasty, huh? Yeah, it does to me too. I didn't know it for a while, but since I learned of this peculiar behavior, I still get sick when I think of all the times I shook his hand. Wouldn't you?
So is Sheryl Crow that much of a nasty assed bitch? Or does she just think all the rest of us should be? Is she really that determined to save trees that she wants to ration toilet paper, with no regard for just how unhealthy and fucking nasty that would be? Isn't there a better way?
Can you imagine how chapped that ass would have to be, and all that shit caked on it. Listen, you know she doesn't really do the crap she's advising.
On the other hand, well, she did start out as the opening act for Michael Jackson, and according to her, her friends a communist, so I guess this all makes a degree of sense.
For me, even a normal healthy shit requires the use of, oh, about three squares per turd. Make that four. Otherwise, I would have no other option than to drop my pants and drag my ass on the ground about four feet like a dog with worms.
I don't intend to do that, nor do I intend to limit myself to one square of toilet paper per shit, or even per turd. Fuck that. If Sheryl Crow really wipes her ass that way, she's welcome to be a nasty ass all she wants. I think she's full of shit myself.
As for anybody else that might buy into this crap, well, you know, if you insist. If it makes you happy, I guess it can't be that bad. Just don't take it hard if I keep my distance.
In the meantime-earth to Crow: When Rosie O'Donnell makes fun of you, you know you've made an ass of yourself.
9 comments:
Why do you think you shake hands with your right hand?
It seems like I've heard something about that somewhere, but now I'm not sure?
Or is this a joke?
No, it's from the idea that your hygienic functions should be performed with your left hand in order to leave the right hand free for social and other functions.
PT, I have no idea where you get this stuff. Sheryl Crow and TP? I've gotta stop reading News of the Weird and read more People and Cosmo, I guess.
BTW, I had a similar discussion with someone recently about using up paper towels, and napkins and things. My contention is that it's an economic choice - trees are renewable, and we will continue to use paper in hygienic preparations because we'd rather bear the cost of paper to the cost of germs and disease.
It's funny- the same day you posted this, someone had mentioned the Cheryl Crow story to me while we were arguing about something else. I have to say that I wasn't exactly surprised to hear she had said something stupid.
I had no idea she was that stupid, to tell you the truth, until this. I don't really know that much about her, but it's easy now to see why Lance Armstrong broke up with her. Can you imagine being expected to ride a racing bike up and down hills and mountains with dried shit caked on your ass?
Well, you know, she only said one stupid thing. I can't imagine that the rest of us haven't said some dumb things in our lives. I once cracked up the workers at a fast food establishment by asking them what the difference was between the chicken sandwich and the spicy chicken sandwich.
Okay, now I've actually looked up the blog entry in which she wrote this (never thought I'd find myself reading Cheryl Crow's blog), and my take on it is that it reads like she was trying to be funny. And, you know, she did succeed, in a way. Probably not the intended way...
Well, like you said, we all say stupid things from time to time. Usually, though, they are unintentional, while this seems to have been thought out. Plus,what makes this especially bad, is it just sounds so damn nasty.
Of course, if she was meaning to be funny, and was just taken the wrong way, that makes it all together different. I would like to think that's what happened, but then I've got to wonder if somebody didn't misrepresent her purposely just to make her look bad.
I wonder how many times Sheryl Crow takes a shit daily. She had her brains up her ass and then she shit them out.
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