The Coming Surge In Iraq-What Will It Accomplish?

I’ll give Bush credit for one thing, he never gives up. Even when he should. The Bush speech last night was certainly a reflection of that.

Here is the way life is. The following is true American history. It is called reality.

WARS AMERICA HAS WON-

1. American War of Independence-1776 to 1782. The American public might have been every bit as divided as the British. But we were fighting a defensive war, and it was being fought and lead by a bunch of people who were of such towering genius, we couldn’t have lost it. If George W. Bush had been alive at this time, and was in Washington’s camp, he would have been doing what George W. Bush does best-chopping wood and clearing brush.
2. The Barbary Pirates-The first time we put it to a bunch of Muslims they were pirates from North African Muslim states, who thought they had every right in the world to take our ships and their cargo and sell our “infidel” crew into slavery. This had been going on for quite sometime, since Washington's presidency, in fact. Thomas Jefferson finally put an end to it. Too damn bad we didn’t have nukes back then, we probably wouldn’t be putting up with the shit we are contending with now. (Hint, Hint)
3. War of 1812-1812 to 1814. Some people say this was an unnecessary war, and that it ended in a draw. BULLSHIT! Our crews were being impressed into the British navy, and it took this war to stop it, which it did. It also netted us territory which extended for the first time to the Pacific coast, in the Northwest. A war well fought by President Madison, one of our most underrated Presidents as well as one of our most brilliant founding fathers.
4. Mexican American War-1847 to 1849. A war we will hopefully revisit, the sooner the better. I have very special ideas in regards the fate that needs to be visited on the roughly one percent of the people that rule that sorry excuse for a country.
5. American Civil War-1861 to 1865. The right side won that one. They would have won it without the war, it just might have take thirty or forty years longer.
6. Spanish American War-1897 to 1899. A big misunderstanding about an explosion on the battleship Maine caused this one, which was the war that set the stage for the extension of our political, economic, and military influence around the world. We never should have fought it, other than running the Spanish out of our hemisphere, but one was probably impossible without all the other. Whatever, we won it. I’m still expecting some nutty Spanish judge to charge us with war crimes any minute now just because of it.
7. World War I-1917 to 1918. Yeah, believe it or not it really was over that quick, once we got involved, though it had actually been ongoing without us since 1914.
8. World War II-1941 to 1945. What can you say? Germany declared war on us after we declared war on Japan because of Pearl Harbor. We were right to provide aid to Britain, otherwise we should have just ignored the Germans until we annihilated Japan. By that time, both Germany and the Soviet Union would have been wrecked and we could have blown them over with little effort. The world would be our oyster. Sure it would have taken Europe longer to rebuild. Who’s fault would that be? Really?
9. The Korean War-1948 to 1953. Here, a lot of people might question my assertion that we won this war. Well, we did. That is because we achieved ALL of our stated objectives. These never included the overthrow of the North Korean government, it was simply to prevent an armed takeover by the North of The South, and to reach a political settlement which provided for recognition of South Korean sovereignty and legitimate security concerns, and in lieu of peace, an agreement for the cessation of hostilities. True, we would have preferred a peace treaty, but you don’t always get what you want-even in victory. Again, we achieved our objectives. As a result, South Korea is one of the few Asian countries that are not only democratic (for more than fifty years now), but have a decent standard of living to boot.
10. Grenada-1985.A strategic victory that has been unfairly minimized due to the relative insignificance of the island insofar as size, population, or any kind of meaningful economic importance. Still, in one of his few good moves, Reagan realized the potential strategic importance of the island if it fell into communist control, and so quickly secured the island.
11. Panama-1989.George Herbert Walker Bush’s war, and one of significant strategic importance. The fact that he and his cronies allowed Noriega such a degree of influence and potential risk is another matter. The point is, it’s another one in the win column.
12. The First Gulf War-1991.A masterfully conducted war by George Herbert Walker Bush, who for some time played Saddam Hussein like an old violin, for all he was worth. Then, he tuned his strings, but good. True, it was all orchestrated from beginning to end. As brilliantly conceived and executed as it all was, even the best of shows must sometime close the curtain for good. If you don’t believe me, ask any good Broadway artist.
13. Indian Wars-A whole shit load of them that ran from the French and Indian Wars, while we were still a colony of Britain, on through the War of 1812, the wars of settlement of Kentucky in the 1770’s, a whole bunch of other conflicts and skirmishes, on down through the late eighteen hundreds. By the time the 1890’s arrived, it was finally all pretty much over. It never would have happened if the Indians hadn’t sided with the French in the French and Indian War, and especially if they hadn’t sided with the British in the War of 1812, but once they did that, they pretty much sealed their fate. Consider that the next time somebody moans about the “Trail of Tears”. Whatever your legitimate feelings about broken treaties and smallpox infested blankets from President Harrison, and other heavy handed tactics and outright cruelties, they all can be traced to those historical events, which Indian apologists generally ignore. I do not. And, again, we won.

THE WARS WE LOST

1. Vietnam-1965 to 1975. Yep, we were lied and manipulated into that one, from the moment of its escalation in 1965 under President Johnson (we were actually there in limited numbers, ten thousand soldiers at most, under Kennedy, in more of an advisory and training capacity), until the moment of our departure ten years later. We never should have gone there. It was a civil war, unlike Korea, where the two sides were explicitly divided. In Vietnam, the greatest enemies we faced were NOT the NVA of Ho Chi Minh, but were actually the Viet Cong, who were for the most part South Vietnamese sympathizers of and to the North. I don’t think it is known exactly what percentage of the South Vietnamese were Northern sympathizers, but their number was significant enough that the South Vietnamese government never had a chance. It might have helped if they had not been so corrupt. But, alas,they were. The North, who were supported by the Soviet Union, wanted us out. So did a lot of the South, maybe half of them, maybe more. More importantly, so did most of our own people, even those that wanted us to fight until we could achieve “peace with honor”. Where we fucked up was, after we left, the Democratic Congress refused to fund the South Vietnamese government. But again, they were notoriously corrupt.

After we left, it is interesting to note, the newly unified nation of Vietnam accomplished what few countries have ever been able to do. They fought, and won, a two front war, against Cambodia and The People’s Republic of China. To put it more succinctly, they handed their asses to both of them and for that matter didn’t break a sweat doing it, so far as I can tell.

I repeat, in case you weren’t paying attention, Vietnam defeated China, and Cambodia, at the same time. Now, tell me you wouldn’t want them on your side. By the way, the still communist government of Vietnam has one of the best economies and standards of living in Asia, is well on it’s way to becoming a capitalist market economy, and will gradually probably phase into being a democracy well before China does (if it ever does). Life is funny like that sometimes. Anybody for a little game of Domino Theories?

2. Somalia-The first George Bush got us into that one, with the tacit approval of incoming President Clinton, ostensibly for the purpose of imposing peace in the area which was war torn by various conflicting warlords, augmented by the presence of Soviet weapons from the cold war era which was just recently ended. Note I said ostensibly. I have always believed the real reason was Bush’s desire to manipulate Clinton into a quagmire from which he would never be able to honorably extricate himself, therefore setting up a chance for him to be defeated for re-election in ‘96 on grounds of incompetence in military matters and foreign affairs. Unfortunately for his plans in this regard, Clinton quickly realized there was no way to win in Somalia, and so left. Clinton probably should have stayed longer and tried to work something out with the international community, but in all honesty, it probably would not have turned out any different in the long run, and Clinton probably was well aware of this. As he saw it, he had the choice of fighting a modern guerrilla war with his hands tied behind his back by the international diplomatic community, or leaving before it got even worse and resulted in the loss of more American lives and money. He did the right thing.

So, let’s rehash, shall we?

1. American Revolutionary War-Proves that George Washington can kick George W. Bush’s ass any day of the week.
2. The Barbary Pirates-Proves Muslims need their asses kicked at least once every two hundred years.
3. War of 1812-Proves Madison had a knock-out, hot ass First Lady for a reason.
4. Mexican American War-Proves you don’t need a wall, just a will.
5. American Civil War-Proves the Constitution isn’t perfect, but it can aways be made better with time, just like a fine wine-or cheese. The best thing about it is, this is the best thing about it, aside from the Bill of Rights.
6. Spanish American War-Proves that some idiot Spanish Judge is probably going to charge me with a hate crime some day.
7. World War I-Proves that if you wait long enough, you can arrive at a satisfactory conclusion, with relatively minimal losses incurred for your effort.
8. World War II-Proves that most of Europe is made up mainly of ingrates, most of whom are in advanced stages of dementia. If we weren’t still over there propping them up, most of the inmates of that continental old folks home would have bedsores by now. It also proves number seven. Another thing it proves-if you want to have a really good friend and trustworthy ally in the world-nuke them.
9. Korean War-Proves if you set your sights too low, even if you succeed, you will eventually have to worry about a nutty guy with weird hair finger fucking Madeline Albright under the table.
10. Grenada-Proves that even if Reagan ran like a scared little girl from Hezbollah terrorists in Lebanon, you were well advised to not threaten Nancy’s supply of grenadine syrup. Some cocktails just aren't the same without them, and Goddammit, she was enough of a shrew as it was.
11. Panama-Proves that George H. W. Bush was not a wimp. By God, he was a man-a REAL man.
12. The First Gulf War-Proves that George H. W. Bush was not a wimp. By God, he was a man-a REAL man.
13. The Indian Wars-Proves that American Indians will never stop trying to scalp you. If you don’t believe that just go to any Indian casino. Also proves that when a Republican President who is descended from a former President offers you something he’s probably really trying to give you something, like smallpox.

More important than all of the above, however, might well be the lessons we might learn from our defeats.

1. Vietnam-Proves that John Kennedy probably had a thing for oriental pussy. Also proves that Lyndon Baines Johnson should have sold the Daisy Ad to the Goldwater campaign. And that he had a thing for Oriental pussy. Proves that Richard Nixon liked Chinese pussy, but that was about it. Proves that Gerald Ford probably thought it really did go east to west, and would have probably bit it if he tried to eat it. Proves that Jane Fonda really likes straddling big anti-aircraft guns and little Oriental dicks. Proves John Kerry was a little dick trying to get some Ho. Proves the Democratic Congress were a bunch of pricks. Oh yeah, and it probably proves I’m really hung up on Oriental pussy. Earth to heaven-it’s shaped like all the others, though, just maybe a little better
2. Somalia-Proves that George H. W. Bush was not a wimp. By God, he was a man-a REAL man. it doesn’t prove that Bill Clinton was a man. (That took a pizza delivery by a girl in a thong). It does, however, prove that he wasn’t a fool(except when he's delivered pizzas by girls in thongs).

Which brings us to the subject of Iraq. When this is finally all over with, what will it prove? What will it say about us as a nation? What will it say about the president who started it? Or the president who finally ends it? It might be unfair to speculate. Sometimes, it takes history years to make a final pronouncement, and even then, it is in many cases a tentative one.

Who knows what new facts might come to light about, for example, World War II? Maybe it will be proven Roosevelt really did know the attack was coming after all, and allowed it, in order to have an excuse to enter the war.

Maybe Wilson really was manipulated by Zionist agents to enter world War I so the British would hand them Palestine over as a reward.

Vietnam? Maybe I’ve fucked a whole lot of Vietnamese chicks and just can’t stop thinking about it.

Whatever the case, I hope that when Bush makes his announcement concerning the promised “surge” of new troops in Iraq, I hope the new Democratic Congress does something that Bush has never been used to from previous Congresses. I hope they demand accountability. I hope they demand results.

I also hope this just doesn't turn out to be nothing more than a madcap Madison Avenue based marketing scheme for Coca-Cola investors to cash in when the company reintroduces the high caffeine energy soda called-well, "Surge". I mean, really, why such an emphasis on that one term? Why not simply just say, "send more troops"? Is this possibly just an attempt to draw attention from the fact that this will amount to nothing more than thousands of more American troops with targets on their backs, by substituting a term meant to be a subliminal message that sounds potent, maybe even sexy? A "surge" of power?

By the way, in case you haven’t noticed, I have not yet placed Afghanistan firmly into either a win or lose column. That’s because it hasn’t been won yet. Some people might take issue with that. My reply is, remember President Madison running from Washington DC while the British burned down the White House during the war of 1812? Well, how exactly did that turn out again?

Please don’t misunderstand me. I do want us to win both of these wars. I just think it’s too late in the case of Iraq. And the more time that passes, the more it might get to the point where it’s too late in Afghanistan as well. If we do end up having to leave either place without accomplishing our objectives, it won’t be the fault of the person or people that finally pull us out of there. It will be because of the incompetence of the ones that took us there. And you know where that buck stops. And you know where he is probably going to be two years from now.

Somewhere on a ranch in Texas, clearing away brush.