The "Root" Of All Evil?

Ted Haggard was an evangelical Christian of some reknown. The Senior Pastor of New Life Church, the President of The National Association of Evangelicals, and Founder of the Association of Life Giving Churches, this Oral Roberts University Graduate has been a major influence in Republican party politics, responsible for a great lot of the evangelical vote which went to Bush in the 2004 election. He is said to be a staunch supporter and advisor to the President. In fact, you might say that no Christian leader has had more influence with an American President since the days of Calvin Coolidge and John Stevenson-a former Imperial Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan.

Now of course, the good Reverend Haggard has felt it incumbent upon himself to resign his position according to the by-laws of his church, as his credibility has now been called into question. It seems that a certain Mike Jones, an admitted gay male prostitute, has alleged a homosexual relationship with Haggard, over the course of a three year period, which continued on a regular basis about once a month or so. Drugs were also involved- methamphetamines, to be exact.

Haggard has admitted to this, though he insists that he threw the drugs away after acquiring them. He also insists that he did not have sex with that gay male prostitute-Mr. Jones-though he did in fact enjoy the services of a massage from the nimble and practiced fingers of the man who knew the good Reverend as "Art".

The trouble between the two seems to have been over the Reverends stated political oppossition to gay marriage, which is a state initiative on the ballot in Colorado this year. Mr. Jones considers the Reverends position to be the utmost in hypocrisy, doubtless considering the various other "positions" the Reverend has engaged in with Mr. Jones.

It would seem that Mr. Haggard does not take the Bible so literally as he once insisted to Richard Dawkins it should be taken in the latters documentary "The Root Of All Evil", in which Haggard excoriated Dawkins for referring to his children as "animals" (presumably due to Hawkins stated belief in evolution). If he did take it that literally, after all, would he-wellll, lie?

But to be fair, Mr. Haggard has done the right thing, in resigning his position. And in the spirit of understanding, I want to offer the good Reverend a chance at true happiness, in a religion I might go so far as to suggest would be actually more to his inclination, in the worship of a god that would be far more suited to fit his needs.



I am speaking here, of course, about the great god Priapus. Born of a torrid affair between Dionysius and Aphrodite, Priapus was cursed in the womb by Hera, who was disgusted at the adulterous relationship of his parents. And so, when he was born, he was short, fat, bald, and ugly as sin. And, to top it off, he was given a remarkably huge penis which was perpetually erect.

He had a small cult following in ancient Greece, consisting of temples which offerred healing in the form of sleep therapy. And so, men from all over Greece, when returning home would meet their wives anxous querries as to their time away with the response, "oh, I just rested, dear"

To which we might well now owe the origin of the oft repeated refrain, "well, let me sleep on it".

He was more widely popular in Rome, where he was considered the god of home gardens and domesticated animals. He was widely venerated in Pompeii and Herculaneum as a fertility god, where artwork has been discovered of the god, known for his pecuiar physical atributes.

Of course, he is worshipped still among pagans in the same ways he was worshipped in ancient Greece and Rome, but there is now a new modern twist to his worship among some specific cults, and it is these cults in partiucular where I feel the good Reverend Haggard might feel at home.

He might want to start his new initial studies here. But I have an idea that he might quickly find himself spending an even greater amount of time here at the Temple Of Cock, where he will doubtless find a great deal of spiritual inspiration.

In fact, he might find that his particular talents as a counselor and minister might be greatly appreciated here, where he can now practice them in concert with his other recently discovered gifts. He can now become whole. So you see, that old saying is true. There is a silver lining in every gray cloud.

Of course, it could just be a cum stain.