Easter Is Coming-Hey I Know, Let's Have A Used Rubber Hunt

Those little rascals are becoming a real problem. In fact, they're even approaching ecological disaster stage at Chinese Universities. And its gotten so widespread, a Chinese daughter bought her single-parent father a box of condoms for his birthday.

And then there was the time a four year old found a used discarded condom in a hotel room and, thinking it was a balloon, tried to blow it up, resulting in his contracting genital herpes. In his mouth.

They are everywhere, and not just in our back alleys and dumpsters either. They are in our public parks. They are on our beaches. They are everywhere. So what can we do? I call on GOP candidate Rick Santorum to speak out on this matter. Since he said that Protestant Christians who practice birth control aren't truly Christian, he should take the lead. Instead of passing out Etch-A-Sketches at Romney events, why not have a national drive to collect used condoms? Since Easter and the Vernal Equinox are both at their core fertility festivals, what better time to establish a nationwide used condom hunt? We could probably collect tens of thousands or more in no time flat. Then comes the fun part.

With DNA analysis being at its current state, it should be no problem to determine the identity of both sexual partners, though it might be difficult to determine the female's identity in those cases where the used rubbers have been left out in the rain. But in those cases where both partners can be easily determined, we give them a choice. Either pay a hefty fine, spend some time in jail, or agree to have the discarded semen inseminated inside the vagina of the woman in whom by all rights it should have been entered. I call on Rick Santorum to make a clear, concise, principled stand. After all, each drop of cum in a condom represents potentially thousands of human lives that have just been heartlessly, callously discarded. Don't get me wrong. I know its not going to be easy. After all, humans have used condoms since ancient times.

  But that's all the more reason why we need a man of vision to lead this important mission. A man named Santorum. Come on Rick. Let's show some leadership on this vital issue.

Resistance Is Not Just Futile-It's Meaningless

I've bitched and moaned for years about the great Romneylan Empire and the determination of its leader to annex this quadrant, but there comes a time when enough is enough. Romney is going to be the GOP nominee, barring, well, an act of God. For me, that act would entail everything at the GOP convention in Tampa falling apart and going straight to hell, whereupon a brokered convention results in a draft of Sarah Palin. She accepts, not out of a sense of duty, but out of a sense of inspiration.

Or, if not Palin, maybe Bachmann. Or even Perry.

But Santorum, or even Newt? Sorry, that's just not happening and its delusional to believe otherwise. And frankly, at this stage I wouldn't even give a shit if it did happen. It wouldn't be an act of God, that's for damn sure. Do the math there.

But barring a real miracle, we now have two options. Support Mitt, or stay home this year and wait for 2016. Just ask yourself, can we even afford that later option?

With this in mind, I am here to reluctantly announce-

Beam me aboard that old Romneylan Bird Of Prey.
Sorry folks, its time to accept reality and move on.

Fuck You Too Jesse Waters

I'm no big fan of any university in or out of the Ivy League, but when Jesse Watters said tonight on The O'Reilly Factor that there wasn't exactly any Mensa members represented in the SEC, that wasn't just a slam at the SEC, that was a slam at Middle America. He singled out in particular The University of Kentucky and the University of Alabama. If the little prick had bothered to do some research he would know that UK is a top research university.

But hey, why let facts get in the way of a few cheap laughs? The problem is, there's nothing remotely funny or even slightly humorous about "Watter's World". Stupid questions delivered in an edited montage aiming at the lowest common denominator while obviously encouraging vapid responses, and always interspersed with irrelevant film or tv clips, all of which falls flat as an exercise in humor.

O'Reilly should be ashamed of himself, and he should apologize for the actions of this fucking little jerkwad.

By the way, go on the O'Reilly Factor Fox website at your own risk. I started to provide a link to the clip in question but it made my computer crash, so fuck that. Take my word for it, Jess Watters is a banal little prick, he's not funny, and Bill O'Reilly looks like a big enough jerk on most nights without having this little piece of shit make him look even worse.

Here Comes-The Governor

And you thought Hershel was an idiot?

Well its not really that bad. The little girl zombie being kissed by The Governor isn't really his daughter, its actually the reanimated cadaver of his former niece. Besides, hey, he pulled out all her teeth first. The Governor may be a lot of things, but he is no idiot.

And now, we know for a fact that he will be a central character and the major villain of the sixteen episode season three of The Walking Dead. In fact, a top-notch British actor has been cast for the role of the loathsome villain. His name is David Morrissey.

So fans of The Walking Dead comic book series will have at least one of their top ten wishes fulfilled for the television series.

And there's even a rumor that another fan favorite, Michonne, might make an appearance here soon, possibly in the up-coming season two finale. If this is true, and the tv script is at all faithful to the Robert Kirkman comics, it does not bode well for her character, or for the governor.

Daytona 500-It Wasn't About Danica Patrick

And that makes me happy, because I've already about had it with this broad. She's all about marketing and self-promotion, which is why if you even know who she is you probably know what ninety percent of her body looks like. And hey, that would be fine, except for the unfortunate fact that well, frankly she's not all that. Now if she marketed herself as an example for "full-figured" (ie, "fat") women to emulate, she might do all right, because this chick is, let's face it, rather "big-boned". Her ankles are like a cross between Hillary Clinton and a baby elephant. In other words, invisible. Not her legs though, you can see those tree trunks just fine, thank you. And she's god damned determined that, sooner or later, see them you will, and eventually everything else that goes with them.

Yet, she has the chutzpah to get all huffy about being referred to as sexy, that she doesn't want to be thought of that way (no worries here, sweet cheeks). One sports reporter called her a bitch. Hey, bitch is as bitch does, but regardless, he felt obliged (probably forced) to apologize.

Then she had a wreck during a qualifying run for the Indy 500 and got pushed to the back of the pack. A couple of days later she wrecked again in a practice run, and in an obscenity-laced tirade blamed her teammate. (the only thing she could blame for the first accident was the fucking wall she crashed into), Despite all this Danica has her defenders, one of whom blamed the Daily Caller and Smitty of The Other McCain for her misfortune. Why? Okay, if you insist. 

In a bout of what is probably serial cluelessness, she recently answered a question by The Daily Caller about the recent health care insurance, contraceptive imbroglio by saying she trusts the government to make the right decision. Not much room for interpretation there. She is either somebody who really believes the government should have that kind of power, or she actually thought that would be the best way to dodge the question and possibly alienate her legions of fans, including evidently a good many horny men who probably haven't had a piece of ass aside from their own hands in years.  Whatever the case, Smitty also jumped on the critical bandwagon, along with some others, and according to fanboy slim this was probably all on her mind and caused her misfortunes on the track. Yes, seriously.

By now, I was hoping for the first time for somebody to come in dead last in a sporting event. I didn't get that wish. Oh, she didn't win. Matt Kenseth was the winner, edging out Dale Earnhardt Jr who finished second. Danica, who started out at number 36, got pushed back to 40 (after being involved in yet another accident during the second lap of the race), and managed to claw her way back to number 38. Like her overall career both as an Indy and as a NASCAR driver-and for that matter as a nearly nude model-a lackluster, mediocre performance at best.

No doubt Troglopundit and myriads of others who insist she is "good for NASCAR" will try to blame her poor showing on the accident, or these other distractions. But I have to wonder-if she is this easily distracted, maybe she should find another line of work. Maybe a hostess. Not a waitress, though. The last thing any of her hapless male worshipers need is a pot of hot coffee dumped in their laps.

Hurt

It's Johnny's Birthday H/T Michele Bachmann

Sacramento Teen Janelle Kelly Missing, Please Help Friends Find Her

Flying At About Half Mast

Dayum, Whitney looks better here than she did for some time.

Taste Worth Dying For

We are rapidly coming up on the one year anniversary of the death of Blair River, former spokesman and possibly first known victim of the Heart Attack Grill. He appeared in ads for the restaurant, such as the one featured below. At over 350 pounds, he was entitled to eat free at the establishment and, true to the restaurants slogan, it may well have contributed to his demise.



The Heart Attack Grill almost claimed another victim when one of its "patients", dressed in the establishments traditional hospital gowns provided by the restaurant, suffered a heart attack. When the owner, "Doctor" John Basso, realized it wasn't a prank, he called 911. The man at last account was in the hospital, recovering.

As you might expect, Basso defends his restaurant, and the right of its patrons to eat what they want. And as you might also expect, Basso and his establishment has more than its fair share of detractors who question whether he should close the place down.

But let's face it, it would be hard to argue that customers are lured into the place on false claims of health benefits. Here are a couple of menu items. Note the names.

The restaurant also offers french fries deep fried in pig lard, and milkshakes made with pure butter. All served to you by a pretty "nurse".

Come on, you get what you pay for. If somebody tells you flat out their food might damn well kill you, well that's what I call full disclosure.

Made In New Jersey

What the hell is wrong with you people who disagree with New Jersey Governor Chris Christie's decision to lower the flags of New Jersey to half mast in honor of recently deceased Whitney Houston? After all, the woman was a fucking icon, so of course Christie is right. Fly the flags half mast? Hell, that's not going nearly far enough. She should have her picture on all New Jersey license plates. Nothing says Jersey quite like a strung out, coked up, washed up, has-been black woman who wasted her money and her life on drugs, ultimately killing herself in the process. Shit, the woman wasn't just *from* New Jersey.

She *was* New Jersey.

 

French Kisses

 H/T to Ace of Spades HQ for a very interesting article from the Wall Street Journal by Pamela Druckerman entitled Why French Parents Are Superior.

Believe it or not, she makes an excellent case, which boils down to, pretty much, French parents don't spoil their children by making them think they are the center of the universe. Far from it, it is the French parents themselves who are the twin stars around which all relevant worlds revolve.

When I saw this article, it reminded me of a French song which I decided to share with you, a charming little number by wholesome father-daughter duo Serge and Charlotre Gainsburg who here dramatize in video format the top ten French hit-Lemon Incest.

Still Waiting (In Vain) For The Catholic Church To Call For The Repeal Of Obamacare (Not Just The Parts They Don't Like)

Archbishop Timothy Dolan is grabbing the olive branch the Obama administration extended on birth control, saying he’s happy to offer the feds a “graceful exit” from the election-year uproar.

Yeah, I bet he's just as pleased as punch. So when is the motherfucker going to stand up for my rights to not be burdened with all the myriad mandates of ObamaCare, and the consequences thereof?

Oh, that's right, he's not likely to do that, because, well the son-of-a-bitch is to a great extent responsible for the passage of Obamacare. He lent his support behind Obamacare, helped to get it passed, him and a good many others amongst the vaunted Catholic leadership.


But hey, he doesn't have to worry. He's on his way to a cushy appointment at the College of Cardinals, while the rest of us schmucks, including his fellow American Catholic parishioners, are left to pay the price of his advocacy. 


So, what do you think are the chances that Archbishop, soon-to-be Cardinal Dolan will come out in favor of the repeal of all of Obamacare? What do you think are the chances him and all the other Catholic leadership will repent of their sins, and decide maybe they should respect our rights to not have this terrible, oppressive law forced down our throats?


Yeah, me too. 


That's why I say, keep the mandates in place. If I'm getting screwed, Dolan and his crew needs to get good and fucked as well. It's only right. He and they wanted the fucking law. I damn sure didn't. I fought it. He supported it. But THEY get  do-over?

And come to think of it, there are valid health reasons to offer contraceptive coverage. After all, what if some poor beleaguered worker in some Catholic charity comes down with a nasty case of endometriosis? Wouldn't it be, well, sinful to deny her treatment for such a painful, debilitating disease, which happens to be treated by-you guessed it-birth control pills? Hell, don't stop there, make them fund abortion coverage as well. Why should the rest of us have to live with the consequence of the Chruch's action while they fucking skate.


Of course, the good Cardinal and his crew might want to consider another way out of this hole they've dug for themselves. Catholic charities could, simply, stop taking federal money. Yeah, how likely is that? But hey, there's an old saying that applies to this, something about lying down with dogs. Maybe sleeping with the devil would be more appropriate. And by the way, do you know who agrees with me on this? Rick Santorum, that's who. 

While siding with the bishops’ recent opposition to President Obama’s imposition of abortion upon Catholic hospitals, Santorum nevertheless stated bluntly that the Church “had it coming.”

(And this is not a new shtick on Santorum’s part:  He is a long-time critic, for example, of the government-funded, secularized Catholic Charities USA.)


Indeed, Dolan and all the other Catholic leaders might want to consider that, when it comes to the federal government, and especially the likes of Barak Hussein Obama, trusting people like this to take care of your needs, and keeping their promises, might be a whole lot like adopting a rescue panther.

Some People Have Their Damn Gall

Everybody's talking about how the Obama Administration is trying to find a way to walk back its recent ruling that Catholic charities have to offer insurance that covers birth control. To which I say, well, isn't that special.

What I'd really like to know is, when the fuck do the rest of us get a do-over? If you think the Catholic Church has suddenly awoke to the dangers posed to the Constitution and conservative values by ObamaCare, think again. And they damn sure aren't concerned about the encroachment on our Federalist principles. No, they just have religious sensibilities to abortion and birth control.

All well and good. And, you know? I don't give a good fried fuck. I care about their so-called religious liberties about like they care about mine. Maybe I have my own set of ethical standards, maybe even religious values, that make me strongly opposed to ObamaCare and other liberal policies shoved down my fucking throat.

Do you think for one second the Catholic Bishops Conference among other Catholic groups, including some groups of nuns, gave a big rats ass about my values, my rights, my concerns, or for those of any of the rest of you, when they threw all of us under the bus and supported ObamaCare? Hell fucking no they didn't care, and I'll be damned if I give a big shit about them now.

It's not like they didn't know what kind of person Obama was. This is the most openly, actively pro-abortion President we've had yet. This is a man who, as an Illinois State Senator, couldn't be fucking bothered to vote half the time, other than as "Present", but he damn sure made sure to vote against the Born Alive Act, over the course of his career offering as many as 10 different reasons he voted against this law that tried to mandate saving the life of children who were born alive during the course of a botched abortion.

He has no problem now funding Planned Parenthood with federal tax dollars, or with supporting even third-trimester abortions. But yet, the Catholic Church, whose membership voted for Obama by about 54% despite knowing full well his history, are upset that he turned around and stabbed them in the back? Fuck them, I say good enough for them. I hope Obama doesn't walk it back. I hope he sticks to his guns on this. I hope he keeps right on rubbing their fucking faces in it. Maybe it will teach them a god damn motherfucking lesson.

I doubt it though. Come the next election, they'll probably still vote for him, and won't have any fucking problem whatsoever promoting and supporting more leftist policies that fuck all the rest of us. The nerve of these cocksuckers!

Almira Fawn Update

Some might recall a post I did sometime back about the murder of Indonesian immigrant Umi Southworth, a murder for which her husband Donald was eventually charged, and just recently found guilty. The Southworths were the parents of a talented young singer-songwriter by the name Almira Fawn, who has since been adopted by her Nashville manager.

Thankfully, she seems to be doing quite well, and in fact, here she is some five months ago at the Nashville Teen Hoot, singing a song she wrote called "Somebody's Little Girl".

Allergic To Living

Your Peanut Allergic Kid Is A Goddamn Little Sissy is meant to be a humorous post by Maty Beckerman, but there's probably more than a little truth there. Maybe we are overprotective of our kids. A commenter at the post made the point that he made sure his kids spent the day getting good and dirty because, well, that's what kids are supposed to do. It helps their bodies adapt to germs, and therefore helps them fight them off. Makes sense, especially when I consider the case of a cousin who died of exposure to a germ common in wood that humans developed a natural resistance to probably hundreds of thousands of years ago. Unfortunately, an earlier auto accident which almost took his life destroyed his spleen, and thus wreaked havoc on his immune system. Why it is that children suddenly developed allergies to peanuts over the course of the last three decades remains a mystery. Who knows, maybe it has nothing to do with the protective cocoon so many parents keep their kids enveloped within. Whatever the case, whoever thought this might be the stuff of children's nightmares?

Whatever the case, read the post on Beckerman's website. It might make you smile, it might really piss you off, but one things for sure. It will make you think. H/T to The Other McCain

Cunts And Assholes-The Dangers Of Toilet Paper

They Raise 'Em Right In Texas

The Coming Of The Greens

Is it possible the presidential election could hinge on how well the Green Party performs? Admittedly, this is not likely, but you never can tell, especially if they nominate someone of the stature of Roseanne Barr. Rosie seems to adhere to the Robespierre wing of the Green Party.

Unfortunately, even though she has officially filed to run for the Green Party nomination, and actually won 29% of the vote in a recent Green Party on-line poll, Rosie recently stated on her Twitter account that she will probably support Jill Stein, who got well over 60% in the poll and will probably be this year's Green Party nominee. However, she is running mainly to help promote and build the party.

So why does this matter, this apparent vanity run by a celebrity candidate? Because I can envision a scenario where Roseanne Barr could take enough votes from Obama to cost him some states which would ordinarily be safely blue states, or purple states where it might be really close. Some that come to mind include-Oregon, Washington, Vermont, Minnesota, New Mexico, Colorado, Florida, Virginia, and even the President's home state of Illinois.

You will be hearing more about this, perhaps, if you frequent enough of the right kinds of conservative blogs, such as Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler, although his purpose, based on a suggestion from a commenter at Legal Insurrection, is somewhat different in scope from my own. The suggestion here is for conservatives to vote Green in the Presidential race, as opposed to some conservative third party, in order to help the Greens qualify for federal matching funds for future elections, and thus turn into a permanent thorn in the side of the Democrats.

That's fine, but its a long shot at best, requiring years before it pays off to what little extent it might. As you can see here, I prefer to dream big.

Roseanne's campaign slogan-Vote For Me, I'll Fix This Shit!

Flipper

If you are living in Florida and are thinking about voting for Mitt Romney tomorrow (or living elsewhere and thinking about voting for him at some future date) you really should see this video. It will go light years towards explaining why so many of us have such grave reservations about him. And by the way, the ending of the video alone is worth the price of admission.



H/T Legal Insurrection

Mike Huckabee, Former Baptist Preacher, Blazes A Path To Hell Paved With Lies

Professor Jacobson over at Legal Insurrection has posted a video recorded during the 2008 primaries in which former Arkansas Governor and 2008 Republican presidential primary candidate Mike Huckabee claims quite blatantly that Mitt Romney is a liar. It was quite a famous ad in its time. Huckabee didn't have the money to run the ad on Iowa television ahead of the Iowa caucuses, so campaign manager Ed Rollins hit on a brilliant strategy. He called a press conference, where he showed the ad. The media televised it as part of their news cycle, at no expense to the Huckabee campaign. In fact, the ad has been credited in no small measure with helping Huckabee win the Iowa caucuses in what was a stunning upset to the Romney campaign. In fact, even though Huckabee did not go on to become that year's GOP nominee, it might well have helped John McCain in the end. Here is the ad, which quite clearly targets Romney as a liar, and a purveyor of liberal ideas, including co-pays for abortion, and gun control. And of course, RomneyCare.



Seems pretty clear, doesn't it? Apparently though, not now to Mike Huckabee, who insists the ad has been characterized by the Newt Gingrich campaign in a deceptive manner. Huckabee has demanded that Newt stop using the old ad and has denied that he was talking about Romney. Huckabee has issued the same denial and assault on the Gingrich campaign via his HuckPAC. Again, you can watch the ad above and see for yourself.

So, what exactly is the big deal? More to the point, since its so blatantly obvious that Huck is referring to Romney, why would he deny it so strenuously? I suggested to Professor Jacobson that it might have something to do with the fact that Huckabee is currently employed by Fix News, which has him under contract, and that Fix News is itself in the tank for Romney. He responded to me with a link to Roger Aisles Twitter account, specifically a screen cap to a Tweet which, while not exactly a ringing endorsement of Romney, certainly makes plain his dislike for the candidacy of Newt Gingrich. It reads in full-

Can't blame Newt G too much. He was carpet bombed with negatives by Romney. Brilliant, visionary but just too much baggage! And erratic.

It would seem as though Fix News is fair and balanced to all sides, except to true conservatives. But hey, maybe the Republican elites know best after all. Maybe we shouldn't feel so badly that Fix News, like seemingly most of the Republican Establishment, are so thoroughly in the tank for Mitt, who evidently has no baggage worth noting,