As a newly self-ordained Pope of Discordianism, I welcome the recent addition to the family of planets of the newly discovered so-called dwarf planet Eris, named after the Goddess of Discord, due to the manner in which the planet which is her namesake has thrown the astronomical world into a frenzy, and a great lot of the rest of us into a tizzy.
But such is the nature of chaos and I hereby issue this proclamation against the pseudo religions foisted upon the world in the year 2160 or thereabouts B.C. by the false prophet Greyface. He was evil, through and through. Well, he was a control freak, what can you say? What ever thing new he brought was nothing but evil, in the form of order and discipline.
Why? Because I, Pope Ahdamn Ghoddamnit says so, and I hereby issue this invitation. You should all put aside your falsehoods and lies, and come into the true Erisinian light of Discordianism. Before it is too late. You've been warned, now.
Well, okay, you can clean your rooms one more time, but from henceforth, leave those socks and underwear in those bathroom floors, leave those discarded shirts and pants in piles on your beds. Think of how much time and energy you’ll save.
And when the next period arrives when the sun is at the nineteenth degree of Aries-somewhere between the ninth and eleventh days of April-step out and face up toward the constellation of the ram, and extend your middle finger upwards, and then, bending it slightly, touch the tip of it to your pineal gland. No, not directly, just on the outside of it, as you gaze with your two visible eyes up to where the planet hides from sight, and say, “Lady Eris, may you sprinkle me with faery dust.”
Afterward, repeat this gesture to all you meet as a way of discerning who all around you has likewise entered the one true path of the Holy Chao. If the person does not return the gesture, and begins to look at you suspicously while whispering to those around him or her, leave quickly. If the person returns the gesture, leave even quicklier.
Finally, it is vital that you memorize the sacred words written here.
And of course you will want to meditate on the myth of Eris, she who, because of the original snub of being refused an invitation to the wedding of Cadmus and Harmonia, crashed the wedding banquet and threw a golden apple inscribed “To The Fairest”, which resulted in a feud between the three goddesses that lead in time to the Trojan War. Actually, there were five goddesses, and it is said the Greeks just didn’t know about the Law Of Fives. To tell you the truth, I have it on sacred authority they were otherwise engaged. Artemis’s attention was on the chef, whom she was haranquing about the proper techniques of roasting venison, while Demeter devoted her attention to preparing the salad.
Eris just went off to enjoy a hot dog, because of which you should never partake of any hot dog buns. Pig, now, that is fine. Pig-in-a-blanket, that is. Well, as long as the pig don’t squeal, if he does, use a sheet, especially on a hot day. Be kind. And be fair. Make sure there is plenty of mud.
In conclusion, may I say, blessed be Eris, sacred goddess of the divine and Holy Chao. May she too sprinkle you with faery dust.
10 comments:
As the Great Milky Wey finnegan Fenderson of the First Church of Binary Consciousness Branch #23 of Discordianism-On-High, I excommunicate thee!
:-P
Oh no, I screwed up. I forgot-I wasn't suppossed to reveal the secret ritual of the pig-in-a-blanket. My shame is more than I can bear.
"If you would remember me when you eat and drink." — The Three Little Pigs, so dubbed because I oink oink oink all the way home
Noooo, you, come back here with my blanket.
Yes, Virginia, there fnord is an Eris. I don't suppose fnord though, that you'd find much on fnord her in books on Paganism. And Eris herself probably isn't really fnord big on rituals.
You can, though, see her fnord on "The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy". Along fnord with Cthulu, of course.
The Sacred Chao of Masonry
Danielle, Eris is as real as they come, may she sprinkle you with faery dust this very night.
Kalliste
Patrick
"!!@!", huh? Why, you little dickens, you, all this time. Hey, guys, I call dibs.
Uh oh. I didn't do it.
Your hand slipping on the exclamation might have been a Freudian slip, it means the third of your four comments on this post contains a hidden message, and me calling dibs is me claiming credit for spotting it first.
Let me see now. That was the one where you committed the slip itself. The first two exclamation marks signified the frustration building from earlier. The @ sign signified where you were "at" at the time. The final exclamation point indicates that despite your wishes you knew the discord tonight had been building, and was coming.
I didn't do it, please don't shoot me, I'm just the messenger.
Learn all about who coined modern "paganism" and jump-started the counter culture, Our Hero Thornley
I'd never heard of him before, that's interesting. Oswald? Wow!
And, Danielle!!@!, how was your night?
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