Conservatives For American Values

Pictured-the abomination called "The Huggable Jesus Doll" (Courtesy of Conservatives For American Values)

If you would like a good look at a representative example of the thought processes of your average, garden variety Christian fundamentalist conservative, I urge you to devote a few minutes of your time to reading one of the newest blogs on my blog roll, which is

Conservatives For American Values

Some people might take exception to their seemingly hard core views, but to my way of thinking that is all the more reason why you should check them out. Some people might think they are quite scary. Personally, I think they are quite funny.

Take, for example, their view on the upcoming elections, and why you should vote Republican:

The issues are simple: Republicans will keep you safe and healthy. Democrats will essentially come to your house, then rape and kill your family while sodomizing your pets and doing crack on your couch. Then they will tax you for their time.

Of course, they are exaggerating here-I think-to make a point. Or maybe not. One of the writers seems equally adamant on the matter of the Arab family he has recently acquired, much to his chagrin, as neighbors. He seems certain that:

I know that Mahmuud is doing something sinister in that “Garage of Terror” that he spends so much time in.

"Don’t try to tell me that he is working on his lawn mower, because I know better than that. I am sure that any day now he will be having tons and tons of sand delivered so that he can live in the desert again. A lawn mover will be of little use then, will it not? I bet that he is rigging that self-propelled mower with explosives. It would be easy, then, for him to fire it up and send it on a collision course with the side of my house. I would be even more un-nerved if he had a lawn tractor…he would then make himself the slowest moving suicide bomber ever."

You see, the folks at Conservatives For American Values are unabashed Christians, and they seem to be among the few that have never forgotten the important lessons of 9/11. In fact, they are outraged that the original site of the World Trade Centers-ground zero-has yet to be utilized to it'sfull potential. They explain here:

"The terrorists are winning each and every day that Ground Zero is not making money. Remember, this was not a Kentucky Fried Chicken that these Islamo-Fascist-Neo-Barbarians slammed planes into. Leaving a smoldering pit of chicken parts and gravy to rot for five years would have been a tragedy, but nothing compared to the shame and sorrow of failing to rebuild that much business space in Manhattan. America is about two things, worshipping God and making money. Ground Zero is a testament to neither of those American ideals, and the thought of it enrages my Lord."

They are also enraged at thecurrent state of American culture, and how nothing seems to remain sacred. Not even the Lord Jesus Christ, whom they see as the latest of theri beloved symbols to not only be abused by liberals, but hijacked by them for their own nefarious purposes, as demonstrated by their concerns about the Huggable Talking Jesus Doll

The company that made this doll has earned their scorn, and the bloggers warn all parents about the perfidious danger in one post, by pointing out that:

"If this doll were an accurate representation of the angry vengeful God I know then no child would want to hug or play with it. If my son, Michael Jr., had a real Jesus doll then he would cower at the very sight of it. Having a Jesus doll watching you as you sleep should be as terrifying for a child as being tucked in with a Chucky doll. The child should fear and respect their Jesus doll, not love it and cuddle it as if it were a damned teddy bear. It is for these reasons that I’m urging parents not to buy one of these dolls for your child. If you wish to be a responsible Christian parent you need to make sure that your child views the Lord not as his “bestest snuggle buddy” but as the one thing standing between him and eternal torment in Hell."

And speaking of Jesus, nothing seems to outrage them more than the current state of religion in schools, or more precisely the lack thereof. They seem to feel that, as this was, is, and always has been a Christian nation, it is incumbent that ourchildren be taught the Bible and Christian faith throughout all aspects of society, maybe especially the schools, which they now see as a hotbed of multi-culturalism and political correctness run amok. To summarize their feelings on this subject:

"You see, I understand this school prayer argument perfectly. I acknowledge that the lone Muslim kid in the classroom might feel a bit isolated sitting alone in a corner while the rest of his class is lead in a recitation of the Lord’s Prayer. But frankly the thought of little Osama Jr. being teased on the playground isn’t enough to make me overlook the importance of giving our children a good moral education. Accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior or find another place to play ball, kid!"

On the recent ruling against the use of warrantless wiretaps by the Bush Administration as a means of waging the war on terror:

"The liberal commitment to the destruction of the American way of life was shown again as Judge Anna Diggs Taylor (a woman no less) recently ruled that the Bush administration’s use of warrantless wire taps is both illegal and unconstitutional. In case you’re wondering, this ruling does in fact seal the fate of all Americans. This out of control activist woman judge with the help of the ACLU (surprise, surprise) have just handed al Queda the keys to your house. The most you can hope for at this point is that the terrorists don’t track mud onto your nice carpet as they sneak into your home to slit your throat while you sleep."

On why Democrats hate war:

"Liberals think that war is a bad thing because they are not very good at it. You effeminate little flip-floppers need to realize that sometimes you need to take a violent stand against everything that is wrong in the world. Violence is the answer, it really is. Look at Iraq, as an obvious example. The Iraqi people are no longer living under the fear and oppression wrought by Saddam. Now the Iraqi people have free elections, and they are devouring the fruits of Democracy. I know that you liberals have some fire in your bellies, though. I have seen the way you react when the minimum wage employee at Starbucks puts whole milk in your Coffee-Latte-Tino-Flaming-Mochafrothy when you asked, repeatedly, for skim."

And, speaking of war, they make their support for the nation of Israel, and their reasons for it, crystal and blazingly clear:

"Israel is the only nation on Earth, besides the United States, that has the God given authority to kill anyone that it sees fit. Do not stand in the way of Israel. The Chosen People of God will have no qualms about sending someone to your happy little home to kill you. Israel must defend itself, using any means necessary. There are no innocent people, and no people who are not expendable, when the safety of Israel’s northern border outposts is at stake."

So, you might ask yourself, how can anybody be that hateful, that prejudiced, that-well-fundamentalist in their beliefs? And the answer to that question would be, in their case, they are not. This is actually a parody web-site, just in case you haven't already figured it out. In my opinion, they should do away with the disclaimer and the legal notice. According to them, however, they still get plenty of hate mail. Evidently some people get so incensed they don't notice the disclaimer, nor bother to click on the legal notice at the bottom of the page. And some of these people actually comment on the blog, unknowingly adding to the fun when they are reprimanded with a Christian "rebuke".

Go visit the blog, and have yourself a good laugh.