Scene: The Crawford Ranch
G.W.- Hey Condi, we're all alone now, why don't we-
CONDI- No, George, you're not gettin up in this black ass of mine.
G.W.-Okay, who told you I said that? Colin? Dick?
CONDI-No, Laura. She overheard you telling Karl Rove. You've got a big mouth, George. So you ain't getting no pussy. And no, you're not getting no ass either. I'm here to work.
G.W.-But shucks, I am on vacation.
CONDI-A working vacation, George, while I'm here. And while Laura's here. Now let's get down to business.
G.W.-Okay, I get it. Shucks, I made you Secretary Of State. So what do you want now?
CONDI-George!
G.W.-Okay, okay, you win. We'll talk about work. So what's on the agenda.
CONDI- You tell me. What should we discuss.
G.W.-I think I ought to issue a statement about this affair Brad has been having with Angelina, and stepping out on poor Jen the way he's been doing. That sets a bad example for the youth of our country.
CONDI- George, really, I see your point, but don't you think there's really more important things the President of The United States should focus his attention on.
G.W.-Yeah, I guess you're right. Like terrorism. Big problem. I'm thinking of having those people all rounded up and arrested.
CONDI-What people are those, George?
G.W.-Those people that are making that bad movie putting down the Catholic Church, that one based on that book I just read, The DaVinci Code. That book is nothing but a pack of lies, and they're trying to pass it off as the truth. And now they're making a movie out of it. The next thing you know they'll be going around bombing convents and cathedrals, and-
CONDI-George, The DaVinci Code is a work of fiction-not a terrorist manifesto.
G.W.-Then why are the Catholics so upset about it? Hey, I know, I'll call the Pope. He should know the story.
CONDI-George, the Pope is in Cologne Germany, meeting with all those kids.
G.W.-Oh, no! They caught him?
CONDI- It's World's Youth Day, George. It's like a festival.
G.W.- Yeah, it's a festival all right-heh,heh,heh,heh
CONDI-Well, anyway, I-George, what's wrong? What are you looking out the window at?
G.W.-I'm looking to see if I can see that Sheehan bitch. You didn't see her on the way in here did you?
CONDI-No, George, in fact I heard that she left, her mother had a stroke so she's gone to be with her. She might not be back for awhile.
G.W.-Yeah, right, I bet. I bet she's hiding out there, trying to trick me into coming out, then she can jump out at me and say mean things to me in front of all those people.
CONDI-I don't think you have anything to worry about, George. Listen, we really should talk about serious issues. I am your Secretary Of State, you know. We should discuss foreign affairs.
G.W.-Yeah, you're right. I've been putting it off, to tell you the truth, but I figger I ain't got no choice. I just decided, after careful thought, I'm going to declare war on those bastards.
CONDI-What bastards are that, George? Iran? North Korea? Syria?
G.W.-No, those cotton pickin' Arubans.
CONDI-What?
G.W.-Yeah, I took an oath to protect the lives of Americans, so what do they do? They make this little girl dissappear, and won't do nothing to find her. They're terrorists, and I-
CONDI- George, you can't declare war on Aruba. They're a protectorate of the Netherlands. Our NATO allies. What are you thinking? This is a matter for law-enforcement, not international diplomacy, and certainly not for war.
G.W.-Yeah, right-heh,heh,heh-tell that to Scott Peterson, or to the BLT killer, look at what the media did to them?
CONDI-That's BTK killer, George-and you are not responsible for joining the media or helping them do their jobs, they can do it well enough. Just look at how they helped discover that one killer, you know, the one that used to be a Power Ranger.
G.W.-What did you say? You're accussing one of the Power Rangers of murder? You take that back, Condi, and I mean right now.
CONDI-I didn't say it George, it came out over the media.
G.W.-Oh yeah? Well, we'll see about that, by God. This is another blatant attempt by the liberal media to attack me, this time by attacking one of my all time favorite programs.
CONDI-Oh, George, just forget it. All I'm saying is, these kinds of issues are not your concern, it's innappropriate for you to involve yourself in matters that should strictly be left up to law-enforcement.
G.W.-Oh, yeah? Well, I guess then we shouldn't worry about Saddam no more. Maybe the left wing is right. Maybe we should have left Saddam alone. After all, ain't that a matter of law enforcement? Where would he be now if we thought like that? He wouldn't be in no prison cell, that's for sure.
CONDI-That's different, George. That was war, and Saddam is being charged with war crimes, by his own country.
G.W.-Oh, really? What country is that?
CONDI-Never mind, George. Look, I'm really concerned about this situation with the Israelis and The Palestinians, over the Gaza. It seems to be going good, but you never can tell when it might suddenly really blow up. We need to start gettin prepared to be of assistance, if need be. Those settlers really don't want to leave, but now that they've been evacuated, there could be some serious issues about-
G.W.-Ah, shucks, lets send them over some pizzas. That'll make 'em feel better. Ain't nothin' like a good pizza to cheer people up.
CONDI-You really think it would be that easy, George?
G.W.-Well, we could throw in some tacos, some good Texas chili, some hot wings. Hell, have them over for a good old fasdhioned Texas bar-b-que. Hell, it makes the Mexicans feel better.
CONDI-What Mexicans?
G.W.-Oh! I shouldn't have said nothing. I'm talking about the ones I got hidden out on the range acres. I put up some little shantys for them. Since they left their homes in Mexico, their kind of down in the dumps, so I figgerred it's the least I can do for 'em.
CONDI- Well-who are they?
G.W.- Oh, you know, different ones, they all come and go on their way here and there. A little rest and they're good as new. Since Elliott Richardson declared his state a disaster area, I figger I'll be gettin' more of 'em than usual, so I really should put up some extra shanties, and rustle up a few more head of cattle. Those fellers sure can eat and drink, let me tell ya.
CONDI-George, I'm going to pretend I didn't hear any of this shit. Really. What would Dick say?
G.W.- Well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I'm hoping he'll say yes, to running for Prsident in 2008, that is. And I'm hoping you'll be his running mate.
CONDI-2008 is a long way off, George. I'll think about it. But-what's wrong, George?
G.W.-Do you think I'm a bad President, Condi? Serious, I've got people saying I don't care about the environment. I've heard this one feller even says I've polluted the Ohio River, and now that there's been such a bad drought down there, and the River is so low, there's more chemicals than there is water.
CONDI- Oh, George, of course I don't think you're a bad president.
G.W.-Then why won't you give me a piece of pussy. I've never had a piece of colored pussy. My daddy used to always say, "fuck a duck, screw a guinea, nigger pussy is as good as any"-heh, heh, heh, heh.
CONDI-Just between me and you George, I prefer "once you get black, you never go back"
G.W.-Then-you'll give me a piece of that ass? I swear, Laura won't ever know.
CONDI-Yes, George. Let's get it on, baby. I love you, my little Bushman.
G.W.-I love you too, my sweet little Condi-Pie.
