Who would have thought that Saddam Hussein was-a romance novelist? Yet, this is exactly what he was, in his spare time, which was evidently considerable. After all, what is the point of being a dictator? When you want something done, you give the word, and it is so, without delay, without debate, with no excuses. And to this end, you have a cadre of advisors and cabinet ministers, who have their own legions of underlings who run the day to day minutaea of everyday affairs, while you content yourself with making a few public appearrances, for appearrances sakes. Or maybe you stage a few photo-ops, here and there, with foreign dignitaries you hope to shake down. You attend a few public festivals, a handful of ethnic events, you dance, you laugh, you wave, you shoot a shotgun up in the air. And of course you keep up on the day to day minutes of the labrynthine clandestine services you have fully augmented to ensure that everyone knows their place, and doesn't stray from it.
Of course, you might suffer writers block from time to time, but a nice little eight year war with Iran might help shake you out of the doldrums, after which you can invade a weak and defenseless neighbor. Of course, this is liable to bring down the ire of a formerly tolerant superpower-and the world-but you'll survive this, and even be strengthened by it. Don't worry about those nasty U.N. resolutions. After all, they are just like your public appearrances-just for appearrances sake. So, with a wink and a nod, you craft a few ingenious deals to the extent that you can actually profit to the tune of hundreds of millions, hell, why not billions of dollars, in illegal kickbacks and bribes from greedy and corrupt U.N. officials and bureaucrats and shady foreign business interests.
Okay, so you're going to trial now. Don't worry about it. That little altercation the other day, where you and a couple of those goons came to blows? Hell, that shit happens from time to time. Relax, eat some Doritos, and tell your lawyers what's what? You were right to retain them, even though your daughters tried to fire all two thousand or so of them on the grounds they are just using you to make a name for themselvers. Hell, even if that's true, you should take that as a compliment, that you are that important, just like you should have felt really good when your advisors told you all the time how well things were going, how well loved you were. After all, you won that silly election with 98% of the vote. That should have shown them. That should have shown them all.
Oh, and all this business about war crimes. About you conducting torture, with rape rooms, and murder of dissidents. And the mass murder of whole villages. The gassing of the Kurds, your brilliant tactical put down of those ungrateful Shi'ite rebels. Don't worry about it. International law? Human rights violations? Hell, you didn't break any laws. You were the law. Of course, I wouldn't necessarilly advise you to use this as a cornerstone of your defense. Some things are much more effective unsaid.
We miss you Saddam. Really, we do. You kept things nice and peaceful in your country-or else. Now just look at how things have gone to hell in a handbasket. So in closing, I would advise you to make this trial your public relations opportunity of a lifetime. Mug for the cameras from time to time. People will get a big kick out of that. Wink. Blow a few kisses. And, when accussed of specific crimes, blame them on somebody else. Ouday and Qusai, fo rexample, are no longer capable of contradicting you, and the beauty of this tactic would be, it's the truth-just not the whole truth, exactly.
And by all means, hurry up with the publication of "Get Out Of Here, You Devil". I think I have the name right, don't I? Whatever, if you time it's release for the start of the trial, it can only help by showing your human, sensitive, caring side, and will make you a ton of money to boot. I'm waiting with baited breathe for my first edition copy. A signed copy would be really cool. Saddam?
