An Idiot's Guide To Suicide

The following primer should not be read by anyone under the influence of a bottle of over the counter medications, as the instructions contained herein require steady nerves, dedication, and clear intent.

There are people that search for the proper way to end their lives. Some people wish for a dramatic finale in a public setting. Others wish to inflict maximum damage, presumably in order to insure success, yet at the same time are desirous of privacy. There then are those who wish to leave this life peacefully, serenely, and yet physically intact.

In what we will refer to as Example A, the sincere seeker is likely to jump from the top of the tallest building from which he has access. Or, in some cases, he might well seek out a suitable bridge or highway overpass. On rare occasions, the person might dodge intentionally into the path of an approaching train, bus, or other such heavy vehicle. An ever growing trend in this day and age are those who, wishing to go out with a blaze of glory, confront the authorities, therefore involving themselves in what has been referred to as “suicide by cop.”

Example B is the more common route chosen by those who wish to “end it all”, and they more often than not do so with a bullet to the brain, either to the forehead, temple, or in some cases through the inside of the mouth. Many others might well opt for hanging instead. It has been noted that most of the people that opt for B are men. A examples seem also to be mostly men (though seemingly by not as large a majority).

Example C usually involves an overdose of medication, often accompanied by ingestion of alcohol. Women are the majority of suicide practitioners in this case, presumably due to vanity. (the reasoning being here not so much that women fear physical pain-they just want to go out looking their best).

There is a way to commit suicide that provides at least some elements of all three-

It has a great deal of the drama of Example A, though it is best not to try it in a public setting, but a private one which brings us the area of Example B, along with perhaps the most concise and appropriate reasoning employed by these folks-it is most effective, which is the preference of the B group. The C group as well are represented, in that the process is relatively peaceful, painless, and though it might well leave your hair a mess, you will at any rate remain relatively intact. Oh, and clean.

It has been legitimately referred to as “The Roman Method”, precisely because it was the preferred method of suicide practiced by ancient Roman aristocrats in the days of the ancient Roman Republic and following Empire. It is quite simple, but effective, to wit:

A. Draw a warm bath, and immerse yourself in the water. The water should be of relaxing warmth.
B. Using a sharp implement of your choosing, cut a major artery on your wrist. Do not cut across the artery, but at an upward angle, actually following the path of the artery, resulting in a deep and wide gash.

Then, just lie back and relax. The blood should flow at sufficient quantities as to hasten death, the warm water acting to prevent the blood from clotting.

Therefore, in conclusion, let us make clear the distinction, in the area of right way versus wrong way-

WRONG WAY

You take a bottle of pills. Oh, it might work, depending on the dosage and the strength, but there is a very good chance you will merely pass out, get very sick, and vomit up the pills before they have sufficient time to become absorbed in your system.

RIGHT WAY

You should take a bottle of pills as an auxiliary measure only, and this should be the last step.

WRONG WAY

You cut your vein in a single slash across the wrist. This is very unlikely to do the job, or at least the likelihood of success is far from certain.

RIGHT WAY

You cut upwards in your arm, into the artery and up a number of inches, to insure maximum blood loss.

WRONG WAY

You sit on your sofa, or your recliner, or at your kitchen table, or in your bed. If you do this, you are going to make a big mess for someone to have to clean up later.

RIGHT WAY

Climb into a bath of warm water. This prevents clotting, and doesn’t make a nasty mess. Most of the blood will go down the drain, like your life.

WRONG WAY

Wait until you are certain a loved one-such as a brother, for example-is soon to arrive.

RIGHT WAY

Make reasonably certain you will have no unexpected company, lock all your doors and windows, and turn out all your lights. It is best to wait until late at night to proceed, to decrease the likelihood of any interruptions. After all, if someone discovers you too soon, some might well assume that your suicide attempt is in reality nothing more than “a cry for help”.

Especially, that is, if you are a popular motion picture star, for example, who can command million of dollars per feature film.

Hat Tip to Pamela Morrison for providing the inspiration for this post