Cartoon from Cox And Forkum
Thanks to Hillbilly White Trash
Senator Larry Craig is finished. Well, no surprise there. The authorities have doubtless been getting complaints out the wazzoo for months now about unsavory characters tapping foots from adjoining bathroom stalls at the Minneapolis Airport. Who knows what else they do trying to pick men up? If I’m in the stall at a men’s bathroom, the last thing I would want is some creep playing footsie with me, and sticking his hand over on my side. I think that’s called, in some quarters, invasion of privacy?
Who would have though that one of the people they would have nabbed in a sting operation would have been a Republican Senator from Idaho who has opposed gay rights, to the point of supporting a constitutional amendment which would effectively ban gay marriage in any state of the union?
Nevertheless, as a person who in fact supports gay marriage, and gay rights in general-depending on how you define the word “rights”, that is-I thought I might do my part to concoct a little guide to public bathroom behavior. It will get the message across in a satisfactory way, and in such a fashion as to, hopefully, afford some degree of protection against malicious prosecution.
STEP ONE-Take your position inside the bathroom at any public place. The more heavily populated is the area, and the more widely used the facility, the greater your likelihood of success. Prior to entering the stall, stand at the sink and wash your hands thoroughly. Do this continuously until the entrance of a person who meets your criterion.
STEP TWO-Notice the person’s age. Hum, or whistle, an appropriate tune as he walks past you. If he looks to be in his fifties or sixties, perhaps “Sugar Sugar” by “The Archies, for example, “Light My Fire” or “Touch Me” by The Doors, or “Born To Be Wild” by Steppenwolf.
If the gentleman in question is considerably younger, then you might prefer to make use of a song more pertinent to his era-something by Nellie if he is black, for example. If he looks like more of a metal head, a more hardcore sound would be preferable. If he is an older metal head, I might suggest “Enter The Sandman” by Metalica.
If he is a younger metal head, however, I strongly urge you to avoid any thing by that group, as they are considered by most young metal lovers to have “sold out”. If you are his age, you might want to consider something by such a group as Rammstein. If, however, you are considerably older than he is, you might want to incorporate a generation bridging song, such as “Crazy Train” by Ozzy Osborne. That way, you need not worry about sounding prententious.
IMPORTANT –DO NOT SING. YOU MUST BE ABLE TO INCORPORATE NOT ONLY THE LYRICS OF THE TUNES BUT ANY APPROPRIATE GUITAR RIFFS (WHOEOW’S AND NYANG’S), KEYBOARD NOTES (DA DA’S), BASS RIFFS (“WHOM-BO-DOE’S) AND PERCUSSION BEATS (GHINGG’S AND BO-DOP’S),ETC.
Once your target chooses his stall, you must waste no time. Position yourself in an adjoining stall. If you are lucky, he will have chosen the stall that is the second from the end closest to the wall and farthest from the entrance to the bathroom. If he does, you can make a point of going to the very last stall.
Why is this important? Simply put, by choosing the side of him that makes it impossible for another person to enter a stall on your other side-as there will be none-you are telling him that you are so impressed with him, he is the only one you want, and no one else will do.
If he is one of those older metal heads I mentioned before, you might want to now consider humming “Nothing Else Matters” by Metalicca. Otherwise, something else, though not the same song as you hummed before. In fact, you might want to make clear to him that you are looking for some gay action by humming a medley.
Finally, if he makes no response, yet has not left the stall, drop down to your knees and pray out loud. Pray facing his direction, leaning against the divider between your two stalls. Pray for good health, good fortune for all your friends, and for the chance to meet a man whom you would be willing to share a portion of your substantial wealth with for nothing but a brief five minute or so tryst inside an airport restroom facility.
Your pants should be down around your knees as you kneel against the side of the stall that is facing him. As you pray, you should fantasize about the sex you want to have with him. However, do not say it aloud, as you might be bordering on lude and lascivious conduct should this be overheard. Instead, allow your penis to become sufficiently hard so that it rises, and protrudes over to his side of the divider between the two of you.
He might become shocked and intimidated by this. In order to minimize the potential for this, a little humor might help to relieve the tension. Prior to your arrival at the airport, paint a smiley face on the head of your dick.
Well, that’s about it. Happy hunting. Remember, no matter what anyone says, you’re not queer-just a little strange.
