The Cult That Never Was

I had a friend once in Covington, Kentucky, who was a conservative Catholic, at least she was when it was convenient, maybe not so conservative when it wasn’t. I have heard some whacked out theories in my lifetime, but the one she hit me up with one day has got to be the all time topper.

According to her, if everybody in the world were to pray, all together, at the same time, for God and Satan to be reconciled, and for God to forgive Satan and take him back into heaven, that all the world problems would be solved, and there would, finally, be peace on earth, a kind of Eden restored-heaven, in efect, would be here and now, not some distant hope.

Of course, I was compelled to ask her how you could begin to go about accomplishing this. Even granted the extraordinary unlikely scenario where all the various members of just the Abrahamic religions were to play along with this mad scheme, what about the atheists, Hindus, Bhuddhists, assorted pagans, etc. I was amazed at her exasperation at this question, and even more amazed at her answer.

Well, they should be forced to, was her reply. Whereupon my reply was, well, even if they could be forced to, how do you know they would really do it, how do you know they would be seriously praying for this as oppossed to just playing along. Even if you forced them to pray this out loud, what makes you think they would be doing so sincerely, to say nothing of being madder than hell at being forced to do this, and filled with all kinds of negative thoughts at the very least.

Of course, I didn’t bother to remind her of the most obvious point of all. Which is, even if they did do all this sincerely, and willingly-IT WOULDN’T FUCKING WORK BECAUSE IT IS A STUPID FUCKING IDEA!!!

I didn’t get that far, though, as she had pretty much given up convincing me of the wisdom of her crazy idea.

On the other hand, I’ve been thinking lately-now, this is a religious variation of the Abrhamic religious delusions that a lot of people would probably buy into. Not the forced universal prayer, of course, but the idea that if enough people were to pray for the reconciliation of God and Satan, it might indeed work, and usher in a new spiritual age. How many people would join this new faith, would donate money to it, and go out and proselytize to gain new converts for it who would likewise do all the same.

What if I were to suggest that, in addition to donating money in any amount they can, they set aside ten percent of their earnings on a monthly basis into a special savings account-accessible to me, of course, as the High Priest-ostensibly for the purpose of acquiring property which would be the future headquarters one day of “The New Jerusalem”.

I could set a target date for the world prayer day as being something like December 21, 2012, the day that, according to some interpretations of ancient Maya prophesy, the world is to come to an end. Of course, once that day comes, and the world of course is still standing, that just means that the world is just now beginning to change. I’m sure they could all notice the difference.

I could make it fun, too. I could say, well, when Satan has you having group sex, just point out to God he didn’t mean no harm, he just wants us to have some fun out of life, we take things way too seriously. Of course, God will forgive them, while, instead of lambasting Satan, will just shrug and say, yes, he guesses Satan has a point in a way. He will just remind us through me, his Priest, to take care to make sure we don’t get any nasty diseases. That is all he is really worried about anyway.

Damn, the more I think about all this, the more pissed off I get. I could have been filthy rich by now.