Jessica Simpson is one of those blondes that quite simply I find unnaturally unattractive. One of those women that try too hard at being beautiful, so hard in fact, that she falls far short of the mark, and would be better off if she would put on a few pounds. I don't know what it is, I mean, it's obvious she has a great ass, great legs, a beautiful face, and shape, and all the rest, yet for some reason she doesn't do a damn thing for me. Neither does Brittany Spear. Neither does Jennifer Lopez. So is it the Diva thing? Am I resentful of the adulation they seem to engender. Actually no, Christina Aqueilleira I find very attractive. But then, Christina, well, there is something more natural about her, more real. Jessica, and Brittany, to me, are phonies. I guess that would be the answer. Jessica is just one of those women who, no matter how much perfume they subtly immerse themselves in, just don't pass the smell test.
And so it came as no surprise to me when it was finally announced-admitted, actually-that the much hyped and really absurd "marriage" of Jessica Simpson and Nick LaChey,( a former singer in a boy band) formerly of Cincinnati, had come to an end. For a while there was denials, yet the rumors persisted, along with the related gossip to the effect that Jessica had been engaging in a torrid affair with "Dukes Of Hazard" co-star Johnny Knoxville.
But the dream marriage of the "Newlyweds" was indeed over. I knew it would have a short shelf life. Jessica was wanting her and Nick to be the next Lucile Ball and Desi Arnaz, it would appear, but neither one of them had the right stuff. Nick LaChey damned sure was no Desi Arnaz, and it takes more than acting like the protypical dumb blonde to become the next Lucille Ball. Success usually requires a minimum of talent. Okay, perhaps I am being unfair. Yes, I am. Nick LaChey, and Jessica, do, I must honestly admit, have a minimum of talent.
But it was really going way over the top to blame Johnny Knoxville for the break-up of a marriage that was never more than a soft shoe routine to begin with. I mean, really, what does Johnny Knoxville got that Nick aint got? Face it, handsome he may be, on the road to stardom he probably is, but don't expect to see a room loaded with Oscars and Emmys years from now. In fact, the stardom in his case may be more of a passing phase. His best and most memorable parts may well be bit ones, with a few appearrances in dinner theatres playing the deranged and dissapointed son of Sally Struthers. A less and less frequent guest on series television crime dramas. All following the cancellation mid-season in the first year of his first and last sitcom. You get the picture.
No, I think there is another explanation for the split up of the most sickening couple since Cher and Gregg Alllman. And that explanation is none other than-Willie Nelson. Yep, old Uncle Jessie himself. Yep, old Willie boy got him some of that pussy, I would be willing to bet the General Lee on that one. And he might as well fess up, cos I'm sure the story is c0ming out soon.
Here is how it probably happenned, in fact I'm sure of it. Old Willie boy decided he was going to get him some of that. So he started out talking to Jessica about music. He probably told her what a beautiful voice she had, and what a great natural talent that he as a seasoned singer songwriter recognized in her instinctively. Right then and there she should have known what he was up to, but she fell for his line about how maybe one day they could do a duet, maybe even do a whole album, go on tour together, maybe she could appear at a few Farm Aid concerts with him. They might have a hit that could hit the top of the charts and be the number one hit song of the year.
After hearing so much of this hokum, he confided in her as to how he could help her connect to the musical producers and writers, and for that matter,how at her age the sky was the limit for her. She could become a great musical star of the stage and screen as well as recording industry hottie. With the right training, and management, and encouragement, she could make a real mark on the industry.
These kinds of talks probably hapenned over a period of week nights. He looked out for her, this old, wise, fatherly, grizzled bear, veteran of thousands of bar and dive appearrances, who made it the hard way after decades of paying his dues before finally making his own mark on the industry and finally getting the credit, the recognition, the success, he truly deserved. So he gave her a great deal of encouragement, and friendship, and humor, and protected her from the likes of "that punk Knoxvile, you better watch out for him, some of the others too, you know what guys like that are like. They are out for themselves. So you have to look out for yourself."
Then, one fateful night, Willy boy pulled out a blunt, a doobie, yep, the biggest fattie joint you ever did see, right after he twisted off the lid from a fifth of licquor, bourbon probably, or maybe Tennessee sipping whiskey.
The Pie'ce de' Resis'tans.
And the rest is untold history. But not for long I'd wager. Yep, in conclusion, old Uncle Jesse got inside those Daisy Dukes that night, and probably a few nights afterwards. And after that first night, he triumphantly beamed the news to Johnny Knoxville-
"That supper you owe me? Yeah, you owe me."
And all Johnny Knoxville had to do was look at Jessicas eyes and her manner around old Willie boy to know the truth, he did indeed lose the bet. Who knows though, maybe after Willie boy got through singing for his supper, Johnny Knoxville got those sloppy seconds.
