I thought I had this monster under control, but over the course of the last month, he has reasserted himself, and I have rolled over for it. I didn't really want to talk about this, but on the other hand,m I figured, well, I was certainly willing to brag about my progress when I had it, or thought I had it, under control, so I should be man enough to admit to the simple truth. I have given in to this despicable weakness. The truth hurts, but it is also cathartic. I can alwas start all over again.
What I know iscoming is the recriminations from those who will doubtless tell me, see, I told you so, you should have just thrown 'em down, quit cold turkey. Nevermind I probably would have been wiling to resort to violence, eventually, for a smoke, should that prove necessary. Nevrmind that I would still have eventually given in, one way or another, had I quit all together just as surely as I have by just deciding to gradually taper off, cut down a little bit at a time, and then a little bit more, then stil more, until I was at the point where I could quit all together.
And, of course, I had to take it to the point where I had ritualized it as a part of my Sabbat observances. Then, I went further by writing an article on the subject which was published in Witchvox, under the title, "Nicotine And The Pagan Addict", under my Yahoo ID DancingCrow3. As if that weren't bad enough I then had to go to the point of writing and sending an e-mail to Keith Olbermann of MSNBC "Countdown With Keith Olbermann" fame, outlining my stop smoking strategy.
I posted about it here. I posted about it there. I posted about it everywhere. And now I am smoking a pack and a half a day. Again. All because I got a little sick, and a few itehr things at the same time started getting on my fucking nerves. It just was too easy to draw on that old comfort, that old pacifier.
Yeah, the Nicotine Troll wins again, and I bet it is having a good hearty laugh at my expense. That's okay, I am still in somewhat control, I can go back down anytime I want to, I know that now, and I will. And eventually I will quit.
Because I really do want to. Just not today.
2 comments:
You need to replace an addiction with another.
I believe in chocolate.
I love chocolate too, but what I need instead of a replacement addiction is a little strength and self-discipline, something I am good at encouraging in others, unfortunately when it comes to this I am not so good at practising what I preach.
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