Reprinted from the long ago, appearing originally in The National Lampoon, and gleefully stolen from Lemuel Calhoun of Hillbilly White Trash, the Pagan Temple is now proud to present a timeless work of art for your viewing pleasure, spiritual edification, and mirth-
In my opinion, Teddy never really killed this girl. If the truth was known, he probably attempted to rape her-and might have succeeded-after which the enraged Kopechne pushed him to the ground or possibly hit him. This would explain the one injury Kennedy sustained to his head in the aftermath of the Chappaquiddick affair. Kopechne then jumped into Kennedy's car, where the keys still rested in the ignition. The car was probably still running when she shot out away from the scene, and into eternity. Kennedy might not even have been aware that she ended up accidentally driving off the bridge into the tidal pond of Chappaquiddick.
Nevertheless, a worried Kennedy frantically contacted his friends and made several phone calls in a vain attempt to seek advice on how to protect himself and his political career from what he believed was a sure to come charge of attempted rape, or actual rape. Once they realized what really happened, they had to come up with as good an explanation as they could conceivably dream up on short notice.
The rest is now history, and Teddy Kennedy is forever more stuck with the story he gave, on pain of perjury.
Couldn't happen to a more deserving piece of shit. As for Kopechne, the irony is that even though she was probably every bit as much of a liberal as Kennedy, she is probably single-handedly responsible for the election of Ronald Reagan in 1980, and some would argue the saving of the nation.
Thanks to her, when Kennedy ran against Carter in the Democratic primaries in 1980, all he managed to accomplish was to split the Democratic Party, which as much as any other single factor led to Reagan's election. Had it not been for the wraith of Mary Jo Kopechne and it's presence throughout the primaries and convention, the result might have been somewhat different. In fact, if not for her, it might have been Teddy running for re-election that year.
No wonder the Left goes bat-shit crazy whenever the incident is brought up.
Sometimes the tree of liberty must needs by watered by the blood of patriots. Sometimes all it takes is the life of naive idealist who got in just a little bit over her head with somebody that was maybe nothing but a fucking creep.