I'd Hit That Once

She would probably know it too, but I doubt she'd throw my cell phone out of my 1000 dollar a week rented Lambourghini if I got a call from Paris Hilton or whoever the hell it was that called Rihanna's boyfriend Chris Brown on the night that he did-well, whatever the hell it was he did here.



If I had to guess I would say he probably got her down on the ground and wiped all the cosmetics off her face with a dirty, dry, rough cloth. Don't worry folks, I think she'll live. The LAPD, those paragons of virtue and ethics amongst all civil servants, are upset that the preceding photo was released to TMZ and have issued a statement urging cooperation in tracking the source of the leak. In the meantime, of course, they were all too quick to affirm that, yes, this is Rihanna from the night in question.

According to reports, she could be heard screaming on the 911 call. Now, I can tell you from experience, when a woman starts screaming, that is serious business which could in some cases have profoundly serious consequences. Just like we all know that no woman ever lies about being raped or abused, we also know that no woman would ever fake screaming, crying, or having an orgasm.

According to reports, a bystander who witnessed the events of the night made the 911 call. No one knows yet who this person is. The poor person is probably too traumatized to even think about heading to the nearest or highest paying tabloid to sell the rights to his or her story, and by reason of this must needs stay in seclusion.

Now of course Chris Brown has been arrested. His lawyer is Mark Garagos, which means it is a serious charge. He might in fact spend up to nine years in prison, just for the threats he probably uttered in the heat of the moment. He's lost his endorsement deal with Wrigleys and he ain't going to be wearing any milk mustaches anytime soon. And, of course, several radio stations have announced that they will be boycotting his songs.

Hey, I know. Why don't we take him out somewhere in the woods and hang him?

But seriously, folks-

A great many people suddenly seem to have turned against this previously "squeaky-clean" nineteen year old rapper.

Well, except maybe for Rihanna.

I have no idea how many people have been to her MySpace page and left messages of support and condolence. Who knows, maybe one of these days she might get around to reading a few of them. I smell a publicity stunt. I also smell a great deal of hypocrisy.

Clarence Thomas. Michael Tyson. Michael Jackson. Kobe Bryant. OJ Simpson.

Chris Brown-the latest black guy its cool to hate.

You know, just to take the edge off.