The Great Cable Robbery

Free! Free! Free At Last!

Of cable tv that is. Sure, I'm going to miss it. But the more I think about it, the less I think I will. It happens every year. If you are a Charter Cable subscriber, you will get a message sometime in either December or January, that goes something along the lines of this:

"Due to increasing expenses, in order to provide you with the quality service and features you, as a valued Charter customer, have come to expect, and deserve, we regret to announce that we must increase our rates in order to adjust for these increasing costs."

AS IF!!!!!!!!!!!!

What they never bother to point out is, well, the real fucking reasons they are raising the expenses, and following is what amounts to I feel a pretty comprehensive list of reasons.

1. They can, because nobody is going to do a damned thing about it.

2. They damned well want to, so they are damned well going to.

3. In a good many parts of the country, they are a monopoly. In my neck of the woods would be a prime example of this. Here, there is no competition, at least in the way of cable.

4. Okay, maybe rising costs are one reason. But five percent a year, every year?

5. Now, finally, we get to the real meat and potatoes of the issue, the real, honest to God reason that, with the exception of pure unadulterated greed (which, being the gentleman that I am, I decided not to mention. WHOOPs! Guess I gone and done it anyway). And what would that reason be?

Charter Cable, in addition to being a regional monopoly here in good old Mt. Vernon Kentucky, is a corporation. Following? Get it? Yes, a corporation, meaning there is a primary group of people that it has to answer to, first and foremost, over and above it's customers, over and above even the city council here and governing bodies other places, more even than the various regulatory agencies charged with overseeing the company and the industry of which it is a part.

And that group of people would, of course, be the stockholders of Charter Cable. And the only thing that is important to those stockholders, of course, are company profits. As long as they are happy, then the company stays stable. And doubtless the profits will continue to grow so long as fools like me continue to sit back and take it. As for me, no more. I for one have had enough.

In return for my ever increasing cable bill, what the hell do I get? Have you ever taken the time to really check out what your options are when you subscribe to expanded basic? Let's take a few examples, some of the better known cable channels. USA, TNT, TBS, are three that come to mind. Look at the schedule for any one of these channels on any given night.

CSI-Special Victims Unit (and all the other derivatives of the CSI brand).
Law And Order

What the fuck is this? Not just on one night, not just on one channel, but almost every night, on almost every channel, and not just at one time, but running throughout the entirety of "Prime Time", you will see a succession of these and other similar shows.

Sure, every now and then you will find a good movie here and there. If you see it scheduled for a time when you have something plannned, have no fear. It will be broadcast again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And-

Discovery and The Learning Channel are no better, in fact, they may be even worse. I dare you to sit through a night of that shit and tell me you've learned something new.

And as for the History Channel-don't even fucking go there. Sure, there is the occassional historical documentary that is worth watching. But since when in the fuck did shows about UFO sightings become qualified to be categorized as "history"? Not to belabor the point, but just what planet are these morons from?

FX is probably the best of a bad lot. It does have one prety good original show, called The Shield, about a crooked gang of cops headed by veteran actor Michael Chiklis. And USA as well, to be fair, has an original show called Monk that is pretty good, featuring Emmy winner actor Tony Shalhoub. And there are others, but even they start to get banal after so long, and even FX is starting to, in general, become not a lot better than the rest. They, too, are starting to become heavy handed on the tv reruns, are showing less movies. They are still probably the best of a bad lot, unortunately, that is becomming less and less a badge of honor.

Even MTV ain't worth a rats' ass anymore.

So there you have it. I am now simply a Basic Cable subscriber. In addition to all my local channels, I also get PBS, C-Span, and, to my surprise, CNN, and to my delight-ESPN. All this and will be saving twenty dollars a month as well. What more could I ask for?

Well, to start out with, I might ask for my city council to show a little backbone the next time the Charter Cable representatives apply for a rate increase. As of now, to my knowledge, only one man, Jackie Renner, has had the intestinal fortitude to question their need to raise rates. But he was the lone voice out of a group I seriously suspect might be the recipients of free cable.

I could also dream, that maybe I might lead the great cable television revolt. That's what it would take to change things, but I am not hopeful for the prospects of this. There are reasons, I suspect, that among the litany of channels Charter offers in it's expanded cable package, are four childrens/cartoon channels.

So, since I seriously doubt the availiable satellite outlets are or would be in the long run any better, (in fact, they are an aggravating group of nuisances with their daily telemarketing calls)
I'll just for the time being be content with basic cable.

I just wish more people would, they might be surprised how easy it is to get along without expanded cable, that is to say, those that haven't yet upgraded to HBO or Showtime. But with Basic, at least the old folks and the religously inclined get the Christian channels.

And, naturally, the Charter executives made damned sure the housewives stuck on basic still have access to the Home Shopping Network. The motherfuckers.