Back To The Broom Closet

This is probably the silliest example of making a mountain out of a molehill you could ever imagine. On a recent segment of The Today Show, co-host Kathy Lee Gifford took part in some sort of inane question and answer about the reason people wear their wedding rings on the left hand. One of the answers evidently had something to do with some kind of ancient pre-Christian pagan superstition inferring the other hand being used for other purposes. Gifford made some silly, throwaway remark about those “nasty, nasty pagans”-and all hell suddenly threatened to break loose.

You would think she called for a reinstatement of the Inquisition. A number of pagans with evidently no real time on their hands circulated this petition calling on NBC to issue an apology. Some have even demanded Gifford be fired, and have called for a boycott of the Today Show and/or NBC. Well, after all, offending that all-important pagan demographic might conceivably cost them a couple hundred grand over the course of a year’s time, right?

When I first became a pagan, one of my major goals was to become the best person I could be, and to constantly strive for self-improvement. I still hold to that goal. It is not an easy goal to achieve. In fact, you never achieve it, because you can never improve too much. No matter how far you advance, you can always go a little more.

One of the things I always strive for is self-empowerment, in addition to wisdom, knowledge, and independence of thought and action, and the courage to stand on principle. Many times, that precludes the herd mentality that is so prevalent in today's society, as in all past societies (and unfortunately, probably in all future societies).

Pagans should be above that. We should learn to be self-sufficient, independent, able to think on our feet, and for ourselves, while at the same time striving to build a community that values cooperation, yes, but also respect for the individual and his needs and rights.

It makes me sick when I see groups of pagans engaged in identity politics, in trying to get over by playing the victim card. Who gives a rat's ass when some bimbo like Kathy Gifford makes some off-hand remark-especially one probably not even intended to slur actual real modern-day pagans to begin with? Even if she did, so what?

Does anybody know how to laugh any more? Is everything a matter for a public outcry, or a ban, or some kind of boycott or embargo? Where does it end?

Are we so helpless, pathetic, and weak that we have to bitch and cry every time somebody says anything that is not to our liking? Are we supposed to demand some kind of special rights or privileges? What's next, are we going to sue for reparations over the "Burning Times"?

I suppose I should add here that, yes, I understand the so-called “Burning Times” is a myth, but it is every bit as real as the manufactured controversy over Kathy Lee Giffords “nasty, nasty pagans” remark. Of course some people persist in believing in fairy tales, so I guess I should stress that what I am saying is, there is no “there” there in either case.

The people that provided the inspiration for the myth (an awful one) of the Burning Times amounted mainly to old senile women or folks who otherwise displeased someone to the extent someone realized all they had to do to get back at them was accuse them of witchcraft.

The other, and even larger group, were indeed victims of religious persecution due to their faith, but they were in fact Christian heretics, members of one or another Christian sect whose beliefs did not meet the Papal (for the most part) seal of approval.

Even referring to these actual real-life victims as victims of “Burning Times” is a gross distortion. Most of those who died, due to either religious persecution or to witchcraft hysteria, did not die from burning, but from drowning, hanging, or beheading. May times, inquisitors put them to the rack, or subjected them to the heinous torture known as drawing and quartering.

Nevertheless, ask an old nineteen sixties or seventies era witch or pagan, or those who choose to believe them, about the “Burning Times”, and what you hear amounts to an article of faith. It is dogma. These are the exact people, by and large, who promote this petition against NBC and against Kathy Lee Gifford, a person who has raised the ire of the left before over her alleged support of child slave labor. This, I think, is the real story. It’s a situation where a person disliked by a segment of the radical left says something-anything-and they come along with a fine toothed comb and pick it apart. Kathy Lee Gifford probably has a vague at best notion of the existence of modern pagans and their beliefs and practices.

It’s like if George W. Bush one day promoted the elimination of pennies, and a group of people accused him of wanting to eliminate people with the name Penny. Yeah, I know that’s an absurd example, but this is an absurd “issue” that doesn’t deserve a sensible comparison. There are no sensible comparisons-that’s just the point.

Nevertheless, a great many pagans will jump on this bandwagon, because they want to fit in and “accomplish” something or “stand up for their rights”. What they are doing is making a laughing stock of themselves, and by extension the rest of us. I think there is actually a reasonably good chance that Kathy Lee Gifford might have at some point apologized if someone pointed out to her in a reasonable fashion that she might have unintentionally hurt some people’s feelings-or maybe she wouldn’t have. Whatever the case, let’s face it. Pagan practitioners, while they have supported various endeavors that are at best cottage industries-incense and hemp based clothing and accessories comes to mind-they are not exactly an advertiser’s dream, nor are they a potential nightmare. Advertisers barely regard them as a demographic, if they even regard them at all.

If you want to know what television studios, executives, and by extension, probably their sponsors, really think of actual modern pagans, an episode from four or five years ago of the Fox Sunday evening cartoon series King of the Hill will tell you all you need to know. We are nerds, geeks, and NUTS. A petition like this does not solve any problems or raise the public consciousness. It only provides more comic fodder.

To all you people wanting to play the victim-how do you expect to be regarded as possibly valuable members of society, as a part of mainstream American culture, as a viable force in the nation or the world, if you are going to go around claiming you need special consideration and protection. What is the whole point of magic and our expressed belief in our deities? Should we not strive to live as independent, self-empowered individuals with a valuable contribution to make?

If you really want to be important, and contribute as a pagan, both as a member of that group and/or as an individual, then you can do that, but this is something else again. Is this the sum and substance of your goals-to be a victim, to portray yourself as a victim of society?

There comes a time when you have to stand up and fight for your rights, I concede that much. Nevertheless, this play the victim identity politics is just another example of why most people look at pagans in general as just a bunch of loons engaged in a role-playing game, one not much more advanced than when their little girls play dress up.

Well, boys and girls, it is time to grow up.

If you really want to play the victim, and yet think you have the ability to be a bona-fide witch or practitioner of the magical arts, I can only think of one way in which those two stances can work together in ways that are complimentary as opposed to being contradictory, as they certainly are.

You might want to consider getting together for the purpose of conducting one massive, giant group ritual. Form a circle and cast a spell geared toward magically transforming yourselves into part African-American, part Hispanic/Latino/, part Indian, gay/lesbian/transgender, feminists, physical as well as mentally disabled individuals.

Then, after the spell is over, do all the rest of us a big favor-convert to Islam. You will, I am sure, find it more to your liking.

Then you can play the victim all you want. You can go around saying

OOOHHHH WOOEEEE IS MEEEEE IIIMM A VICTIM PLLEEEEASSSWE EVERYBBOOODDYY HEEEELPP MEEEEEE.

Naturally, there will be those still that will object, and even deride your efforts. That’s when you really assert yourselves. Simply print placards with cool slogans like-

DEATH TO THE ENEMIES OF PAGANISM

Then get together in large groups and go on a rampage. Well, after all, if paganism is going to be the next religion of perpetual outrage, why not go all out?

As newest members of every special interest group known to man, you can have the most all-inclusive group pity party on the face of the earth. I’m sure you’ll find plenty of supporters, sympathizers, donors, and never-ending reservoirs of pablum puking patronizers ready to promise you the world in return for your votes or support.

Meanwhile, the rest of us will just go about the process of living our lives, raising our families, and actually going about trying to improve the world by making a real difference and contributing to actual positive change or, in a great many cases, trying to keep things just as they are, thank you very much. That of course is as opposed to just trying to shout/kick/scream/beat/rip/stab/shoot/burn/hijack/blow everything to shreds, etc., and wondering why so many people hate us, or at the very least, want as little to do with us as possible.

Personally, I have better things to do with my time. How 'bout you?